Rough but okay

So this past weekend was kinda rough, but at least things are looking up for me. Went and looked at a few condos on Friday morning after work, kc came with me, and I found one that I really like. It is completely redone and I wouldn't have to do any work to it which is what I really wanted, and the price was totally right. I'll find out tomorrow if they accept my offer, hopefully I made it before anyone else did, because that would really fucking suck if someone else got that condo. I so need to move into my own space, at this point I'm not even worried about how I'll pay for everything once I'm back in school, I just really need space.

I need a place that I can go home to, that comforts me, that is comforting to me, that is my sacred place, that is mine, that will be there when I need to be alone. I need somewhere to unwind after a long day, somewhere that I can walk around naked in and not have to run from the shower to my room. I need a bedroom all to myself, that isn't an open space, I need a place where I can be alone with myself, or with kc, without having roommates around to see or hear. So it's exciting and I really hope that I get this place.

I also submitted my resume for another job, well, I had to talk to the lendor and I couldn't do that until today, so the resume will be submitted tomorrow. My old boss works for the company, it's another temp job, but hopefully maybe they'll want to hire me on directly. And then I could have a secure job with a steady paycheck. It won't be as high as my current paycheck, but with as much as I spend in gas and fixing my car, if I move into the condo the job would only be about a 10 minute drive away and that is wonderful.

And I did get a chance to talk to kc a little bit about what's going on in my head. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and I told her that I wasn't sure about how she felt about me since she was kind of cold to me the weekend before. She said it was because my other personality came out, the one she doesn't know and doesn't like. However, she told me that I'm the first girlfriend she's had that she hasn't broken up with after something like that happens. She said she isn't ready to let go of me yet. And that was reassuring. I told her it was just a phase, it would go away, it did before, just a momentary lapse of something. But she told me that she likes me and that whatever is going on in my head I shouldn't worry about us (yes, she said us). So that is a good sign and I'm glad that she hasn't completely bailed on me because I'm not ready to give her up either. So I just need to relax and be myself and things will be fine and I shouldn't get myself worked up over anything and I really need to work on talking and opening up about how I'm feeling.

Then I talked to my sister today. She is a bit of a lunatic. She is slowly and methodically moving herself toward having a big drinking problem and she doesn't see it coming. We all see it coming, it's like watching something in slow motion that you can't stop, and it's ugly and I just want to jump in and try and make her see what she's doing to herself. Well, for starters she called me crying because she found out she has HPV. Except she found out about 4 months ago and had surgery 2 months ago on her cervix to remove some lesions, and is just now getting around to telling me. Why wouldn't she tell me sooner? Why does she think that she can't trust me? Why, when I ask her that, does she bring up something from when I was 17, something that happened almost 12 years ago?

She needs to learn how to let go of the past, to not hold onto it and let it ruin her life, or keep letting it take her down the road she's on. No matter what kind of anything I say to her though, she doesn't see it as me trying to be helpful and make her feel better. And then when I try to insert any little tidbit about my life and what's going on in it she cuts me off insisting I'm not listening to her and hangs up. WTF?

I know I can't control her or change her, but I wish that she would listen to some of my advice, I wish that she would understand that it comes to her with love and a desire to see her be happy for once. I wish that she could ditch her sense of entitlement and materialism. I wish that she would realize that things won't give you long term happiness, only a short little high, and that she needs to feel happiness for herself and not from things.

So while I spent a better part of this weekend crying (well, at least 2.5 nights of it), I think that some things got worked out. Hopefully kc will find some kind of desire to have sex with me this weekend since she links her desire for sex with how she is feeling about me and whether she's feeling attracted or not by my personality. Hopefully that condo will be mine at the end of the month. Hopefully I get that job, I think I will. Hopefully I can get out of whatever funk is in my head right now and just open up and relax.