Oopsie...or maybe not

This is why I didn't want to be getting drunk in front of her. Oh well, can't take back what I said, unfortunate thing is I can't quite recall all of what I said because I said it in a flurry of tears, anger, confusion, and a whole host of other things brought on by PMS and a large intake of beer.

So kc said that she bailed on me on Friday night for the movie because she wanted to have some space to hang out with her friends and stuff and she really wasn't in the mood to watch a movie. Fine, but if she didn't want to go see the movie she should have just said so in the first place, I wouldn't have bought the ticket for her. I still would have gone myself because I really like getting the free passes, but it wouldn't have been a big deal to me. However, instead, she got incredibly wasted and showed up Saturday night still having a hangover.

I told her that we were at the bar getting margaritas and beers and she just kept texting me saying she didn't want to go there and not explaining herself. Finally she called me because she was tired of texting and then at least explained that she had a hangover. WTF? Bummer for you but if you had a little self control then you wouldn't. Not to mention the fact that because of the hangover she was antisocial and not really all that fun to be around.

Which is completely ironic and hypocritical on her part because whenever she wants me to do something with her friends she expects me to be completely social and charming and if I'm not then she thinks that there is something wrong with me, that I'm not being myself. Sorry, but we all have days where we're not feeling that social. It just seems as if she wants me to be social and hang out with her friends, but when she doesn't want to hang out with mine she says it's because she wants me to be able to spend alone time with them and do my own thing. Of course I'm going to do my own thing, but when I invite her it's also because they have invited her and want her there to hang out.

Oh well, back to the drunk part. Although first, I thought that I looked pretty fucking good on Saturday night. Everyone paid me some very nice compliments, including my ex. However, all I got from kc was that I looked good, with hardly any emotion involved at all. Not exactly the reason that I bought the dress in the first place.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, getting drunk. So pretty much in my head I was annoyed at her right from the beginning, everyone kept asking where she was and I had to tell them she's always late, and then I had to explain that she was sitting in the parking lot at the party because she didn't want to go to the bar beforehand because she had a hangover. Fine, whatever. But at least attempt to fake some fucking social skills. I'm not sure why she thinks that her being around inhibits me, I don't think that I act any different around her than I do anyone else. Or maybe I do, or maybe she just perceives that I do. And, please, spare my feelings and lie and tell me you had a good time, but when you bitch to your roommates about it make sure I'm not around.

Okay, back to the drunkenness. So I was kind of annoyed, I got over it. I just kept drinking. Then we get back to my place afterward and I brush my teeth and get ready for bed and attempt to kiss her and she just throws me off of her. To which I start hysterically crying, I mean, what the fuck? She says it's because I haven't been myself lately, to which I replied that yes I had, who did she think was with her tonight?

So then we got into a discussion, well, I'm not sure you could call it a discussion, considering I was sobbing on her shoulder. And then it all got laid out on the table. At least I think it did. I recall me asking her what I did that made her happy (yes she does enjoy me calling her sunshine, and she likes my e-mails and texts) to which I asked why didn't she think that her doing those things for me wouldn't make me happy? I told her that it had made me feel worthless that she couldn't even be bothered to write me a stupid e-mail since she wouldn't call me to explain about Friday night. She said that it was because she hadn't had hardly any time on the computer (which is plausible I guess since h and s are always on it), that she didn't have time to do anything she likes, including reading my bulletin surveys and stupid shit.

Then she brought up the me being scared of her thing, I told her I wasn't scared of her. I was scared of how I felt about her because I knew that she didn't feel the same way. She asked how I knew she didn't feel that way and I told her it was because of little things she would say or do. Then she said that that wasn't true, she said she could see herself being with me for a very long time, but that because of the other weekend when I was a "different person" that she wasn't attracted to she didn't know. She said it was a huge bummer because she really did want to spend a length of time with me.

And then...I asked her how she would feel if I told her I loved her. Yup, sure did put that out there. For as much as I haven't wanted to, have been scared to, it sure did come out while I was drunk and hysterically crying on her shoulder. She said that she could see herself having those feelings for me to, as long as I don't go into this other personality that she doesn't like. OH FUCK, some of this conversation is coming back to me now as I write it down. She said that I shouldn't be scared to express my feelings to her. I am pretty sure though, that an actual I love you didn't come out of my mouth, because I think that at least my subconscious was taking over to help my inebraited state, because frankly, if I'm going to say that to her it's not going to be when I'm drunk, at least not the first time.

I'm pretty sure that is where the conversation took a turn. I'm not sure which direction it turned in, but I think it was a good one considering the rest of the weekend, and the rest of the conversation. She said that she isn't a really romantic person and doesn't feel the need to verbally express it, that she's not going to sit there and express her undying love and devotion to me, but that she does it in other ways, more physical ways and emotional ways. It's kind of sad that she isn't that romantic, because I am, though the only romantic I was ever with was the ex ex. But I guess at least I know where she stands. And hopefully she is back to feeling like she could spend a long time with me and that she is going to let the deeper feelings continue to develop since she said they were on their way there. And hopefully that will make her want to fuck me again because this whole not having sex thing really fucking blows.

I think I passed out sometime right after this part, at least I hope I did, because I can't recall a fucking thing that was really said after that. Although, I do remember her saying she wanted to have that conversation again when I was sober to see if my responses were the same (though we haven't yet). However, the next morning we snuggled in bed until around noon, which we haven't done in a long time. We went and got breakfast together, conversation was good, atmosphere was relaxing. I went down to her house afterward. She had to work on some stuff for school and I did some GRE studying (which I need to do a lot more of). Then we snuggled on the couch and watched football.

We haven't really done a lot of snuggling lately, and she hasn't been very affectionate, however after Saturday's conversation, both things have been happening. This is why I think the conversation took our relationship for a turn for the better instead of a turn for the worse (oh yeah, another thing I pointed out to her, Saturday night was the first time she actually referred to herself as my girlfriend, with me standing there, yeah, the first time I've heard the words come out of her mouth, which is another reason I told her that I had no idea how she felt about me).

And I was having really bad cramps (at least PMS is fucking over) on Sunday night and she was being very attentive and nice, getting me aspirin, cuddling on the couch with me, getting me dinner and refilling my water glass. She even wanted to go upstairs and go to bed after the movie was over, and normally she is content to fall asleep on the couch, whereas I like to go upstairs to the bedroom.

Then today she woke up early (well, she set her alarm early), we laid in bed before she had to go to class. I got up and studied some more GRE stuff while she was at school. She came back and had some stuff she had to do, made me some breakfast which gave me a horrible stomach ache that made me want to vomit. I laid on the couch all afternoon, she kept coming in to check on me, at one point we walked to the store so she could get me a 7-Up to make my stomach feel better (pretty sure it was the turkey bacon that she swears was pre-cooked, it's not that I don't believe her, I just told her that I prefer mine crunchy not soggy, hey, at least I was honest). And we got to snuggle and watch Monday Night Football. Well, yeah, I fell asleep as usual, but I fell asleep on her lap while she rubbed my back and my head.

And she made out with me when she walked me to my car before I had to drive to work. So I think that things are getting back on track. She is probably going out of town this weekend which will be good, we both need the space. I just really want her to come back on Monday so she can spend my first night in my new place with me. If all goes according to plan I close on my condo on Monday, which I guess means I won't be able to sleep with her until the following weekend, oh well, maybe she'll at least come over when she gets back. And at least I already have plans. Huge bummer I'm not already in my place though because some of those plans involve being in the city, at least Friday night, then doing stuff with the rugby girls and visiting my best friend on Saturday.

So it's all good, wasn't really going to spend the weekend with her. And then in 2 weeksI fly out of town to visit my family. So maybe this is the separation that we need to get our relationship back to where it was before I started freaking out about dropping an L bomb. And, if I love you does happen to pop out of my mouth at some point, then at least I know she's not going to run screaming in the other direction.