Please let it be PMS...

Has so much happened in the last 2 days that I can't begin to comprehend it all? I think so considering that last night I had a 2 hour meltdown conversation with kc, although it was much easier talking on the phone than sending text messages.

My brain is fucked up right now (please let it be PMS, please...). So Saturday night I left work to go and drive out and find kc, s, and h since they were camping somewhere. However, when the directions involve, turn right onto the dirt road, along a road that has countless dirt roads, with no other indicators, it was like finding a needle in a haystack. So of course I never found them, I ended up driving around for 2.5 hours in the middle of the night, and finally got home at 3am, severely pissed off and incredibly tired.

Which meant of course that I wasn't going to be able to sleep. I ended up getting probably around 3 or 4 hours of sleep and then just kept waking up every hour after that. At around noon I finally decided to haul my ass out of bed and make some coffee. Then proceeded to talk to my realtor about the offer that was put on the condo the ex and I bought (it's been on the market since February and this is the first offer we've had). The people wanting to buy it initially lowballed us by $14,000 (more than 10% of the asking price) but we've managed to reach a compromise and it's offically under contract. We're not going to lose as much money as we thought we would, but we're still going to lose money.

So yay, the condo has sold, but that leaves me hanging with no place to live and about a week and a half to move all of my shit out and into a storage unit. My parents are coming into town in a couple days, only staying for 4 days, but I'm also going on vacation for a week in a couple weeks. So I have tomorrow night, well, not anymore, kc asked me on a date, and she is actually going to drive up here to take me out, and let me tell you, I'm really hoping for some sort of sweet romantic gesture, although I'm not likely to get it. So now I have Wednesday night, although that might get scrapped if I can get my fucking realtor to show me the place that I want to go look at. And then the parents are here, so I have next week to pack everything. It's a horrifyingly daunting thought. It can be done, it'll have to be done. Maybe I can get kc to help me move some stuff on Monday after my parents leave.

So then the ex calls yesterday and asks if I want to go have a celebratory beer at one of my favorite restaurnts in town with her and k, so since I hadn't heard from kc yet I figured what the hell, they had to drive through town anyway on their way home from camping so they could stop in and have a drink with me when they get back. So I get to the restaurant, order a beer, order some lunch, and suddenly I'm 4 big beers into the afternoon. So we pay the bill and go next door to the rooftop deck and keep drinking. Still haven't heard from kc yet, it's probably around 3 or 4pm and I'm starting to get pissed. I mean, isn't she concerned that I didn't show up last night, wondering where I am? I mean, doesn't someone have a cell phone with service? I guess I'm different, since if the situation were reversed I would find a way to get to a pay phone at least to check my messages and call and say what's going on.

And all of these emotions combined with the thought of being homeless started to really tear at me. Finally at around 7pm (yup, still drinking on the rooftop bar at this point) I get a message that they're almost home. WTF? Couldn't call earlier when you got within cell range? Well, at least I let her have it, she knew I was pissed since her next text was "oh shit". Oh shit is right, you know you fucked up and now you know I'm pissed.

I finally drive home around 9pm and she calls (that's right, calls not texts) me sometime around 11 or so, I'm not really sure. The next few hours after that are a blur, I know I told her I was upset about feeling like she didn't care what had happened to me (she told me that she was worried, but...), that she wasn't concerned that I didn't show up, could've done something more. Then I told her about the house, losing the money at closing, feeling like I'm going to be homeless for a little while. She was at least trying to be sweet and reassuring and at least by the end of the 2 hour phone call I wasn't really pissed anymore.

I think that I scared the hell out of her though because this is the first time that I've had a complete meltdown in front of her (hell it's only the 2nd time I've cried in front of her, well, first time on the phone). Maybe scared is the wrong word, she was glad that I was able to talk to her about it, and she was being a good listener and trying to reassure me of things. Maybe this is why she chose to make our date at a restaurant in my town instead of hers. I would really like some other romantic gesture (maybe flowers or something, anything). It's not like I want some grand huge gesture, just something to know that she put a little bit more thought into the evening other than just showing up. I like little things, little notes, little messages, little signs that she does like me. I know she does, but I guess I'm still hung up a little on the h thing. Guess I'll have to tell her that.

I think in every relationship I've ever been in I've always been the one who does all the little romantic things, mostly because I am sweet like that, but probably a little because I want someone who does those things for me. I want someone to drive over in the middle of the night just because they want to snuggle with me. I want surprise notes left on my windshield. I want flowers delivered to me just because, not because you fucked up and think that that is a way to redeem yourself. I want someone to make me soup when I'm sick. I want someone to bring dinner by my house when they know that I've had a long and stressful day (or week) because they know I hate cooking. I want someone bring me Twizzlers (because they know it's my favorite candy) and a movie because I could use a night at home snuggling on the couch with someone. I want someone to rub my head because they want to do something nice for me, not because I asked them to.

I want her to be that person and I'm not sure if she is...maybe I'll find out tomorrow night.