Tired...

All in all last night was a fairly good evening. kc showed up on time and we drove down to my favorite steak and seafood place. She had never been there before and I really like taking her to places that she's never been. They have a really great wine list (and for kc to say that it's the most extensive wine list she's seen around here, that's pretty amazing) so we ordered a bottle and an appetizer.

And soon the conversation just started flowing. We took our time with dinner, with the wine, and even shared a dessert, despite the fact that we were stuffed. She sort of threw me for a loop when she reminded me, again, that she didn't want a committed relationship. I know this, it hasn't stopped my feelings from developing (didn't tell her this), it just makes it harder for me to take stock of the situation. I don't want any of the bullshit that comes along with a committed relationship, I don't want the why didn't you call, why didn't you do this, why didn't you do that, whiny bullshit that some people have. I don't need someone to keep track of me and want to know where I am and what I'm doing all the time. I have my own life. And it's about to get fucking crazy.

After dinner we went for a drive up to one of the prettiest lookout points and kept talking. She is struggling with the fact that she likes h, doesn't want to like her, hopes that when she gets to know her that it will turn her off of her, because I am realistically so much better for her. And I really hope that when she goes south this weekend with s that she is able to work through this stuff in her head and figure out what (okay I guess who) it is that she wants.

I told her that that was why I do things by myself, why I go into the woods by myself, that's how I clear my head and am able to focus on what I want. I'm not scared of doing things by myself, not scared of going to the movies by myself, going to dinner myself, being by myself. I told her that me writing things down has really helped me figure things out. She said she wanted to read it, I told her no, maybe someday, but not today. Then she was worried that because I am figuring things out that either I would want out of the situation or that I would want a commitment before she does.

I guess what I don't want is bullshit. I don't want to be lied to and jerked around. I know that she won't lie to me, and I really appreciate that, but what if I get to the point where I do want something more than a snuggle/fuck buddy? And I think that what we have going on right now is more than that, that's just the term she's using (and I told her for that full term to be effective she needs to fuck me), because she is jealous when people, especially d, hit on me, would be deeply jealous if I slept with anyone else, so where does this leave me?

Got home around 12 and then snuggled. I really do love to snuggle with her. We fit together nicely. She agrees. It's one of those rare situations where you fit together like legos (stealing this from cal). She wants me to be the person in her life right now, doesn't want to like h, thinks that (well, hopefully) I'm different than her last couple of girlfriends but is still a little jaded from the way those relationships ended. And we had the "how do you rate on my list of people I've slept with" conversation, at first I didn't want to know, told her that the ex before the ex used to be at the top of the list, until I met her, which considering the limited (well, not that limited) number of people I've slept with might not mean that much to her, unless she knew just how good the ex ex was. But, considering the fairly large (larger than me, that's for sure) number of people that she has been with, I'll take #3, since if she gets her head out of this h situation, it'll move to #2 (and maybe #1 someday, she is at least quite verbal about what she wants in that area). I'm okay with that, I know I'm good in bed (yeah, it sounds egotistical, GFY!), I know that I have a lot to offer someone (not just sex), and she knows that if she fucks it up with me that she's probably making a huge mistake. And she will be, but it'll be her mistake, and someone else's benefit.

So now I'm at work, horribly tired, the coffee tastes like ass but I'm still drinking it, and I have a 1:1 meeting with my boss in 45 minutes to discuss why I'm going insane. Maybe I should just let her read this?