Lost...

Well, the weekend was a long one that's for sure. My parents flew into town on Thursday afternoon, had a softball game that night (we won!), went and ate some food. Then took them into the mountains on Friday, the check engine light in my car came on, thank god my period came because I am feeling way less hormonal than I was. Overall a pretty good time with them, I feel bad for my mom though, and I have a really hard time watching my stepdad do this to himself and my mom. kc was supposed to come over on Sunday for a BBQ, never called, never showed, so I invited d over. It was pretty fun, but I was sad and annoyed at the same time, like, if you know you got a late start and weren't going to make it, then just fucking send me a message and say so, that wouldn't have pissed me off nearly as much as not showing up and not calling about it. And I probably wouldn't have sent the drunk word vomit texts that I did.

One thing at a time...

My stepdad is an alcoholic. The 3rd marriage for my mother, and yet another person who abuses themself with either drugs or alcohol. My mom left my dad because he wouldn't quit doing drugs and she didn't want that around my sister and I (ironic twist that I enjoy a little recreational activity and my sister is an alcoholic). Then she met the biggest asshole on this earth. They all seem nice at first, until they start drinking. He abused us, verbally and physically, and it scarred me emotionally, probably for the rest of my life. Then one night my mom told him that either he goes or the alcohol goes, he didn't like either response, so he tried to kill her. Luckily my mom is smart, she took all the bullets out of the guns. Didn't stop this bastard though, at least he was too drunk to shoot his bow and arrow straight. Well, not too many of my friends can say they've had to go to a safe house or court ordered therapy (which didn't work by the way).

So then my mom meets this guy, well, we had known him for a while, growing up in a small town everyone knows everyone (and their business, people are nosy like that). He seemed like a nice guy, treats my mom really well, puts her on the pedastal she deserves to be on. Only problem is he's a drinker. About 3 years ago they told him he has 5 years to live (he's only 40 for fucks sake). So my mom has been watching him slowly kill himself with the booze and smoking and it saddens me to see that she is just biding her time until he dies. It is even more saddening to see that he doesn't think that there is a problem so won't do anything about it. Total and complete denial. I hope I never get that way.

And maybe it's this pattern that I have watched my mom repeat so many times that makes me unable to work shit out in my own relationships. I don't want to be that way, I want to be the person that I know is inside of me, but it's fucking hard, it's hard to have that kind of strength, to find it, to be able to use it. kc wants me to be that person right now, and I just don't know if I have it in me. I know I have it in me and I'm learning how to find it, learning to speak up, even talking to her about this stuff is so much more than I have ever done before. But can she wait around until I find it or does she not want to get that involved? I'm tired of suppressing things, tired of beating myself up over stuff that could be resolved if I just talked about it, tired of feeling tired.

So I had a talk with kc last night, another 2 hour conversation (guess we've gotten over the talking and opening up problem), about everything that is going on. I told her that I am having a problem with the h thing, that I have told her that I don't share well and that I feel like I'm sharing right now. I know that we don't have an established relationship, but still, I mean, I don't want to go out and find another person to fuck, to fill that part that I'm not getting. But she can't do that part with me right now, and that sucks, because that is the only part that is missing for me. And I can't have another relationship where that part is missing, it's not fair, and it's something that I can't do anymore. It's a pattern that I have recognized that I do, make excuses for the part that is missing, and it's a pattern that I'm not going to repeat.

And so now I'm not sure where things are. Do I want to stay and hope that she figures what the deal is with h and comes to the realization that she does want to be with me? Or do I go and move on? I think right now I'm being tugged equally in both directions and I just have absolutely no fucking idea which way to go. I guess that's why I want her to ask h, to tell her what's going on, to make it easier for me to make a decision. I know that is purely selfish on my part, but how am I supposed to be with someone who can't fully be with me becaue of someone/something else? It's really not fair to any of us. And she wants me to be in her life, to be an important part of her life, and how can I do that when I don't know which part of her life she wants me in? Guess this is just one more thing to talk to her about later...

Ack!! I want to run screaming down the streets. I want to be hit by lightning and have everything figured out. I want to know what the future has in store for me, what road I should go down, I want to know that everything will be okay. It will be okay, I know it will, but I feel like I want that security of having someone who is sure tell me that everything will work out for me. I want to know what my purpose it, to find my calling, to set myself on the course that I am meant to be on. This is why I feel lost right now.