Scared...

Scared of being homeless. It's not that I would physically be living on the streets, my friends have offered me their refinished basement to live in. It's just that I'm such an independent person that I feel guilty asking others for help, even though I know that I'll most likely need it.

I don't want to buy a house that I don't fully love simply because I have no other choices. I do have other choices, it's just that they're not what I want to do. I could stay with my friends, but for how long? They have their own lives independent of mine, plus I don't really know them all that well, although they are very genuinely sincere people. I could rent a room, but could I find one that is month to month, just in case I find a house I want to buy? I could rent an apartment, but again, what if I get stuck signing a contract for any length of time and then the place of my dreams becomes available to me?

Why is it so hard for me to ask for help? I guess my parents have always taught us to be independent and self-sufficient, to be able to take care of ourselves when the going gets rough. But both of my sisters have asked my parents for help, and they have obliged as much as they could, but I feel like I have always been held to a higher standard with my parents simply because I have achieved more than both of my sisters. I finished high school at the top of my class, went to an ivy league college, graduated with 2 degrees, moved completely across the country, found a good paying job (not in the service industry, both of my sisters are waitresses), and have managed to not call my parents and ask them for any help. So I guess I feel like I should be able to handle this on my own.

But can I handle it on my own? If my breakdown the other night is any indication of what is to come then I guess not. But how to I handle that realization? How the fuck do I ask for help? It makes me want to cry just thinking about it. I am a strong person but when it comes to things like this I just fall apart. I feel like my raw emotions are just constantly waiting for some little thing to cause them to pour out and onto whoever is nearest. I am not good at asking for help, I don't want to burden other people with my problems.

I suppose I shouldn't look at it as being a burden to other people. I let them pour themselves out to me, so why can't I expect that of them? Maybe my expectations of how other people feel about me are lower than what I feel about them. I know I have trust issues with other people, maybe I have reciprocation issues. I feel like other people can trust me so why can't I trust them? Probably because I've been burned in the past and it really fucking sucks to get burned. It sucks being hurt and having your heart broken and losing a little bit of your trust in people.

I need to not dwell on the negative and look at the positive. My condo is being sold, I will finally be rid of my ex, be rid of her incredibly annoying, sometimes disgusting habits. I can walk around my house naked if I want, I don't have to wear pants. I can drink milk from the carton (although that would require me to have unexpired milk), I can leave dishes in the sink. I don't have to make my bed if I don't want to. Hell, I don't have to get out of my bed until I want to.

So why can't I keep my head focused on those positive things instead of the negative ones. The negatives ones are easier, it's easier to feel bad for yourself and to have others empathize than it is to feel good. This is definitely not where I saw myself, 28-years-old, divorced already, trying to navigate around a place with no support network, ok job but not my dream job.

Okay, more positive. I have a date tonight with kc, we're going to one of my favorite places. Maybe we'll get a nice bottle of wine, or at least a good glass of it. I just can't think too far ahead, although I have to. I think that with where my head is now, short term is the only way to keep me from having a complete mental collapse. And I certainly don't want to have a mental collapse. Maybe that's my problem, I'm afraid to appear weak, scared to appear vulnerable, scared to be human.