Ack...

Why, when I should be feeling really excited about my life right now, do I not? I just need to relax and not overthink things like I normally do, not overanalyze every little thing that happens.

Let's see...I got a call from my lendor yesterday and she said that all the financing went through, there was no problem or issue with my job, so I am officially approved for the loan on my condo. Now I just have to wait for the appraisal to be done, which I believe is happening tomorrow. If the appraisal goes through and nothing is too different, then the place is mine since the seller made me lock into the agreement when I made him put a new furnace in. This should be incredibly satisfying, and it is, so why is my mood so melancholy?

Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping. I am really starting to hate this shift, not the people, the people are much better than my other shift, it's just the hours. The hours are fucking with me so bad. And then I get home and the dogs bark all throughout the day, and that keeps me awake. I've been trying to go work out in the mornings to see if that will help me sleep better, but so far it just keeps me awake longer. Which will be a good thing I guess once I am having to commute to work, I'll miss the traffic and I'll be awake for the 45 minute drive. And there won't be any dogs barking.

These things should be making me happy and excited, and if I could just get a good days sleep then I would be fucking great. Hopefully this move works out for me. I'm going to go buy some blackout curtains on Tuesday, and some shelves for my sitting room so I can get some plants, and hopefully with the blackout curtains and some ear plugs I'll be able to sleep like a baby. It's not really outside noise, I think the condo keeps most of that out, it's the dogs barking inside. I can't get past those fucking dogs, oh, and the TV. I'm not sure if they realize it, but that TV is fucking LOUD! And it's upstairs, and no matter how low they turn the volume, it's still really loud. Or I just have really good hearing. Either way it wakes me up.

I can't wait to move, I really can't. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everything that they have done for me, opening up their home to me in my time of need, not charging me rent, not complaining about my crazy hours and sometimes crazy company, not complaining about anything at all. I only hope that I can help someone out like that someday if I am on the other end of that situation. It's just time for me to move on. I am in a much better place mentally, physically, financially, and almost emotionally. Although, I think the only thing that will help me emotionally is a good fuck from kc.

I'd go down there Friday morning after work but she's going out of town I think, or maybe she changed her mind, she doesn't really tell me these things. Still going to hang out with j on Friday night and watch the roller derby. I mean, we all know how much I love tackling chicks, so watching chicks knock each other around on skates should be pretty good entertainment. Bummer is that if kc is out of town I have to drive all the way back up to my house. Which, at least after this weekend, won't be so far away.

I think I am really excited, it's just my sleep deprivation is clouding my ability to have any sort of emotional outburst until it is too late and then it all comes out at once in a flurry of drunk talk. I was just not fully prepared for this. The last time I worked the graveyard shift in college it wasn't that bad, the only person who really saw me was my mom and she understood. kc understands, but she still wants me to be who I am when I've had a good night of great sleep. And here's where the fuck comes in, that helps me sleep. Really well. And it helps me relax, which I need.

If kc goes out of town this weekend she is going to get me some stuff to help me relax and whatnot. I guess that's good, I need it. I'm not sure how I feel about her feeling that I should be medicated though, although I have been medicated in the past, so it's nothing new to me. I just need to find a new job and get back to the day shift. My life was so much more in control, I mean, sure, there were nights when I would only get 4-5 hours of sleep, but for some reason, emotionally, I just felt a lot better than I do right now. And I know it has to do with me working on this shift.

Maybe if I relax I won't overthink things with kc either. I mean, she said she can see herself spending a long time with me. So why do I feel the need to keep thinking about things? I mean, at least she texted me first today, but that was probably because I slept until 8:30pm this evening. I was awake when I heard my phone beep, but I was just laying there because I didn't want to get out of bed, I was so warm and toasty. Side note: my new pillow is fucking wondeful, my neck doesn't hurt when I wake up so that is something to be happy about! Although, she only talked to me for a little bit. I figure she passed out on her couch...again...what a shock. At least I don't really have to worry about her cheating on me, she barely leaves her house. I know she would never do that anyway, she has made that mistake in the past and saw what it did to her girlfriend, plus she knows that I have been cheated on and I've told her what it did to me.

I need a vacation. For sure. I need to take a few days, go somewhere, clear my head, catch up on my sleep, relax, and be comfortable. That's what it took for me last time to get my shit together, a week with my aunts. I can't afford to take a week off from work, which is a huge bummer, but I need to get my ass out across the pond to vist BFr. I need to work on that now. I have enough money in savings to cover a trip so why haven't I done it yet? I need to do what I wanted to do and go out there for New Years, or sometime before school starts in January because after that I won't have much time. That's it, I need to book that trip.