Anticipation...

I've decided that I just need to ask her the question that's been eating at me for the last 2 days. Ever since we had our talk the other night I just can't get it off my mind. I need to ask her if she wants to even find the part of her that wants to have sex with me again or if I'm just a stand-in until she finds someone else. I don't want to be a stand-in, a time killer, a warm body to sleep next to until a better warm body comes along. I don't want to be a consolation prize. At least I'll get an answer and be able to put my mind at ease and take one more thing off the stress list.

Yesterday I removed my car from the stress list, got it fixed, nothing major wrong with it, and I didn't need to sell a kidney to pay for it. Thank god that's over. Today I have to call my friends and see if their offer on the basement still stands. Then that will be over.

And 7s finally started again for rugby so tackling and running and hitting yesterday really helped me get some pent up stuff out. I have a few nice bruises to show for it, and had I not gone with kc and s to play poker last night I think I would've slept peacefully through the night.

But, I wanted to hang out for a bit, since after the games I went and grabbed a beer with the team and my adrenaline was still flowing when I left. Plus we had to shower at ha's place because kc didn't get the plumbing project finished. Hopefully that'll get finished today, especially since I sent her an e-mail telling her that I had a question to ask her but that it wasn't an e-mail question so I'd ask the next time I saw her, which means that I may go over to her place after my softball game tonight.

I guess I just have to be prepared for the answer, whatever it is. I want it to be in my favor, but at this point I just don't think it will be. She's already bailed on me before with not showing up to meet my mom, and now she's bailing on the trip to visit my aunts in AZ. Well, hopefully she doesn't bail, but it appears that that is the case, although we didn't really get to talk about it yesterday. She said she doesn't want me to feel rejected, but how else am I supposed to feel about all this? I am being rejected, yet again, for being me. Being rejected for having the part of me that I'm trying to work on, trying to improve, trying to bring out the person that I have inside of me, but not having on the surface right now. These things take time, and I guess I want her to be able to take that time, but it just doesn't seem to be the case.

Such is my life I guess...so I'll sit here today, tired and waiting in anticipation for the chance to ask the question and get the answer. Maybe I'll let her read all of this when it's all said and done, maybe not. Either way, I'll still keep pouring my heart out onto the screen in hopes that it helps me bring out the person inside of me that I want everyone to see on the outside.