I'm not sure I've told her, at least not in as many words, but I miss her. But I think that she misses me too, considering that the other night she decided she couldn't take it anymore and said she would like to fly me out there to see her and then I can drive back with her. So Friday night after rugby I get to head to the airport and fly out to see kc. Should be fun, I've never been there before. I get to watch the sunrise over the ocean for the first time (at least at this ocean).
And with this missing comes a longing as well, as the dirty text-a-thons have been heating up all weekened. This weekend was a pretty fucking good one too!!
Went and hung out with the rugby girls on Friday and Saturday. We did a little dualathalon, although I got lost a few times along the course. Luckily I had 2 girls from town with me otherwise I would have been so screwed. They would have found me lounging by the river with my feet in the water because I would have had no idea how to get back to the house from where I was. It was fun though, got some really great pictures. Those girls are my sanity. I've said it once and I'll say it a lot, if it weren't for them I would have jumped off a bridge by now. Went to the movies by myself yesterday then came home, cleaned, and read a bit.
And d has met a new girl, mg. That's exciting, it sounds like there is a spark. They have already visited each other once and mg is going to come for a visit at the end of August and then d will go visit her a few weeks after that. I'm not sure about the whole meeting someone on-line thing, but at least this girl doesn't sounds like a sociopath or a stalker so that's good.
I can't wait until Friday night. I get to play in the rugby 7's summer championships and then I get to fly out to see kc. I told her that she had better park the car in a discreet location because I wasn't sure how long I could hold out after seeing her, or rather, after not seeing her for so long. I mean, it's not really that long, but when you're as revved up as I am...and as she is...well then, let's just say the texts have been hot and the sex on the beach will be even hotter. I might try and see if I can get Tuesday off from work just because I know I'll be tired. We're driving back on Sunday and then home on Monday. And I think it would be a nice surprise to wake up Tuesday morning after such a great weekend and not have to come to work. That would be great!!
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Texting...
It can be quite interesting. Especially when you're trying to have text sex. Or at least, get the other person riled up enough to tell you.
kc is on vacation and will be until next weekend. So we've been sending dirty horny texts back and forth and by the time she comes back from vacation we're going to need to take a couple days off just to do everything we want to do to each other. I told her yesterday afternoon that I would send her some naughty texts last night but I was fucking beat after I got home from rugby. So I made it up to her this morning by sending her a naughty picture on my phone...something I have never done before. That is a huge amount of trust from me, to trust that she will keep it to herself. I'm sure she will, I told her that if every anything like that happens that I don't want anyone else to be privy to those sort of details of my life.
I'm not sure how I feel about missing her though. I mean, at least I've got stuff to do and I'm occupied with softball, rugby, more rugby, job interview, shopping (for naughty lingerie to wear under my slutty skirt that I'll be wearing when we take the truck out for a drive when she gets back), then rugby, softball, rugby, recovery day, and she's home. So it's not like she'll be gone that long. And I'm definitely glad she's totally into sending the dirty texts because I like that kind of stimulation, and I'm certainly no stranger to using my imagination.
And I also don't want to fall into the trap of hanging out with her too much like I did at first, so it's good that I'm making plans. I just haven't really missed someone like this in a long time so it's kind of weird and unusual for me. I'm not going to let it make me sad, I mean, I know she's coming home. And she said she may even come home early, if she misses her cats and her house and sleeping in her own bed that much. That's how I am on vacation. I can't take really long ones because I miss sleeping in my own bed, I miss my own space, that sort of thing.
So kc's vacation will be good in the long run, no matter how long it is. And who knows, maybe she'll miss me too.
kc is on vacation and will be until next weekend. So we've been sending dirty horny texts back and forth and by the time she comes back from vacation we're going to need to take a couple days off just to do everything we want to do to each other. I told her yesterday afternoon that I would send her some naughty texts last night but I was fucking beat after I got home from rugby. So I made it up to her this morning by sending her a naughty picture on my phone...something I have never done before. That is a huge amount of trust from me, to trust that she will keep it to herself. I'm sure she will, I told her that if every anything like that happens that I don't want anyone else to be privy to those sort of details of my life.
I'm not sure how I feel about missing her though. I mean, at least I've got stuff to do and I'm occupied with softball, rugby, more rugby, job interview, shopping (for naughty lingerie to wear under my slutty skirt that I'll be wearing when we take the truck out for a drive when she gets back), then rugby, softball, rugby, recovery day, and she's home. So it's not like she'll be gone that long. And I'm definitely glad she's totally into sending the dirty texts because I like that kind of stimulation, and I'm certainly no stranger to using my imagination.
And I also don't want to fall into the trap of hanging out with her too much like I did at first, so it's good that I'm making plans. I just haven't really missed someone like this in a long time so it's kind of weird and unusual for me. I'm not going to let it make me sad, I mean, I know she's coming home. And she said she may even come home early, if she misses her cats and her house and sleeping in her own bed that much. That's how I am on vacation. I can't take really long ones because I miss sleeping in my own bed, I miss my own space, that sort of thing.
So kc's vacation will be good in the long run, no matter how long it is. And who knows, maybe she'll miss me too.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Where it's at...
Here's a little weekend recap (not for the squeamish or faint of heart).
Friday night kc met me at one of my favorite restaurants in town after work. She had said that we needed to talk. Although we didn't really talk about what I thought that we would talk about. I had figured that after what we had talked about earlier in the week that she would either say that she had to let me go because she understood that if she wasn't going to date me that I was going to start looking for other people, or that she wanted to date me. Except that didn't happen. She just reiterated that she doesn't like h anymore, realized that it would be a huge mistake to do that since h is a little crazy, and that she would be sad because she knew that I wouldn't be in her life if she did that. And she didn't want to lose me from her life.
So after dinner we walked down to the bar to meet some of the rugby girls. Hung out there for a little while, but kc and I had been exchanging dirty texts all afternoon so there was a little charge in the air. Left the bar early to go home and have some incredibly hot sex. Even tried a few new things. That poor girl who watches the dogs...she has the worst timing for watching those animals.
Saturday had a garage sale with the rugby girls and then the party later. The party was SO much fun. I got to talk to and meet so many of the girls on the other team. Met eye candy, found out what her name is. Think a couple others were flirting with me, including the birthday girl. Left before I had too much to drink, thank god, because I hate hangovers and feeling pooey the next day. So got a ride to kc's house from sr, it's always nice to have a DD. Had some even hotter sex than the night before because we had the house to ourselves (s is out of town and h was out somewhere).
Woke up Sunday morning feeling REALLY good and frisky. Damn I missed the great sex with kc. Not that it's all about that, but when you're compatible with someone in that way, it makes things a lot more fun and interesting. Just layed around the house all day watching movies and relaxing which was nice.
Yesterday we were supposed to go mountain biking but we were kind of busy, I had to go home and interview with a company for another temp job (someday I won't be a fucking temp or contractor) and then do a ton of laundry and go to the pottery place and glaze my pieces. So I grilled some dinner and kc came up later in the evening. Had to take a drive out to her aunt's house in the evening. By the time we got back we were both exhausted, so just snuggled and fell asleep (see, it's not always about sex).
So it was a fulfilling weekend. I did everything I wanted to do and then some. I got to go to the pub and hang with the rugby girls Friday night, do the garage sale and the party on Saturday, relax on Sunday, and do my pottery on Monday. I wasn't sure how things were going to go with kc, but they seem to be going just fine. We were talking and just decided to see how the commitment thing pans out before we jump into anything serious. She is going on vacation tomorrow to visit her family so that will be nice. I don't want to get back into this hanging out at her house every weekend thing that I did before. Going to try to schedule some camping trips and hiking trips for August. If she wants to join me that's fine, if not, have a fun weekend, I'm doing what I want to do.
Friday night kc met me at one of my favorite restaurants in town after work. She had said that we needed to talk. Although we didn't really talk about what I thought that we would talk about. I had figured that after what we had talked about earlier in the week that she would either say that she had to let me go because she understood that if she wasn't going to date me that I was going to start looking for other people, or that she wanted to date me. Except that didn't happen. She just reiterated that she doesn't like h anymore, realized that it would be a huge mistake to do that since h is a little crazy, and that she would be sad because she knew that I wouldn't be in her life if she did that. And she didn't want to lose me from her life.
So after dinner we walked down to the bar to meet some of the rugby girls. Hung out there for a little while, but kc and I had been exchanging dirty texts all afternoon so there was a little charge in the air. Left the bar early to go home and have some incredibly hot sex. Even tried a few new things. That poor girl who watches the dogs...she has the worst timing for watching those animals.
Saturday had a garage sale with the rugby girls and then the party later. The party was SO much fun. I got to talk to and meet so many of the girls on the other team. Met eye candy, found out what her name is. Think a couple others were flirting with me, including the birthday girl. Left before I had too much to drink, thank god, because I hate hangovers and feeling pooey the next day. So got a ride to kc's house from sr, it's always nice to have a DD. Had some even hotter sex than the night before because we had the house to ourselves (s is out of town and h was out somewhere).
Woke up Sunday morning feeling REALLY good and frisky. Damn I missed the great sex with kc. Not that it's all about that, but when you're compatible with someone in that way, it makes things a lot more fun and interesting. Just layed around the house all day watching movies and relaxing which was nice.
Yesterday we were supposed to go mountain biking but we were kind of busy, I had to go home and interview with a company for another temp job (someday I won't be a fucking temp or contractor) and then do a ton of laundry and go to the pottery place and glaze my pieces. So I grilled some dinner and kc came up later in the evening. Had to take a drive out to her aunt's house in the evening. By the time we got back we were both exhausted, so just snuggled and fell asleep (see, it's not always about sex).
So it was a fulfilling weekend. I did everything I wanted to do and then some. I got to go to the pub and hang with the rugby girls Friday night, do the garage sale and the party on Saturday, relax on Sunday, and do my pottery on Monday. I wasn't sure how things were going to go with kc, but they seem to be going just fine. We were talking and just decided to see how the commitment thing pans out before we jump into anything serious. She is going on vacation tomorrow to visit her family so that will be nice. I don't want to get back into this hanging out at her house every weekend thing that I did before. Going to try to schedule some camping trips and hiking trips for August. If she wants to join me that's fine, if not, have a fun weekend, I'm doing what I want to do.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Honesty...
So kc came over last night. At first I wasn't sure if I wanted her to, but, who am I kidding, I did. I did at least tell her that her inconsistency is starting to fuck me in the head. I told her that I like snuggling with her but that it's hard to have to fight myself from wanting to touch her. I can't help it, I can't keep my hands off her. I asked her if that bothered her and she said no, but that she didn't know if having sex was a good idea or not.
I also told her that I think her vacation is a good thing, for us to be separated for a little while. I couldn't tell if she was hurt by that or not, maybe a little. I told her that I couldn't wait around for her to make up her mind about what she wants, the inconsistency isn't cutting it for me, she knows what I want from her and if I can't have it then I'm not going to wait around for her to figure it out. She asked if I wanted her to go on vacation so that I could hook up with other girls, I said that that wasn't my intention, that I wasn't going to go out looking for it, but I can't control what happens. If I meet someone I like and want to flirt with them then I'm not going to feel guilty about it. She understood, she knows that she has no right to complain about what I do or to try and tell me what to do, because if she could make up her fucking mind then it wouldn't be a problem.
But she's not sure about dating me again. She's not sure about some parts of our personalities, if they mesh well or not. She thinks that she's always going to be fucked and inconsistent with women. I told her to get over herself, that it's a mind game she's playing with herself and the only one that's being mentally fucked by it is her. She knows it is, but she can't help it. I don't know, at least we were talking about things, and at least I'm being completely and brutally honest with her. She said that if I hooked up with another chick that she didn't want to know about...not a problem there. I mean, I don't think that I'll hook up with anyone, I'm not usually a one-nighter kind of girl. However, if I want to make out with someone and have a good time then I'm not going to let her be in the back of my head.
I told her that it was hard for me to figure out what to do. Some part of me wants to hold out hope that she'll fucking figure it out, and then the other part of me knows that I can't wait around for that. If by some chance of fate we do end up back together then so be it. This is why I think that her vacation will be good for both of us. I told her that I honestly didn't think I'd see her after backpacking until she got back and that it was confusing because she had said last week that it was complicated for me to go to her house and then suddenly this week she wants to come sleep with me?
She said that she had removed h from the equation, that she knows it would be a horrible idea for her to go down that road, that it would complicate things, a lot. But that still leaves her with having to make a decision about me. She said she would be sad if she lost her snuggle buddy. I asked her why that would make her sad if she knows that I can't wait around for her to make a decision, that I'm not going to be strung along, waiting and wanting. She couldn't answer it, said that was another conversation altogether. I'm not sure if she knows the answer to that question, I think the answer to that question is what is causing her to be unable to make a decision.
So she knows that I'm not going to wait around for her, at least I told her that. I told her that I have some eye candy on the other rugby team, some new eye candy, not sure how she felt about that, I think that she thinks I am going to go out and purposefully try to hook up with this girl, get my rebound sex out of the way. Who knows, maybe it'll happen, but I'm not going to plan on it. I am going to get my flirt on with her though, assuming that she doesn't have a girlfriend. Eye candy is my ideal type: taller than me, strong arms, cute as hell, short blonde hair, adorable in her glasses. I haven't talked to her yet, so who knows, that's a huge part of the attraction for me, I mean, she could be totally fucking hot, but if she's a moron then peace out, no thanks.
I guess at least she's made up her mind about h so that's a step in the right direction, at least for her. And who knows, she's leaving for vacation on Tuesday, so maybe I'll see her again before that, maybe not. I'm not changing my plans for her, so really, unless she wants to see me again tonight, then she's just going to have to wait for Sunday or Monday to roll around. I haven't told her about the party on Saturday night, not that she would care that I was going or what I did there, but she doesn't need to know every move I make.
She's worried that I will close up again because I told her that I reserve a special part of me for someone I'm with. She got a glimpse of it and then I shut down, it was too much too soon. I have to learn how to regulate that, fucking oxytocin. I have to learn how to take my time with someone I like, learn to open myself up to them. She knows this. Whether she wants to stick around and do that is up to her, if she doesn't, I've learned for the next time, and if she does, then I've learned what to do with her.
Is it Saturday night yet? Fuck, is it next Tuesday yet? I need to go see my sister's psychic, maybe she can shed some light on the situation. Unfortunately I won't see my sister until December and that's a long time from now, so who knows what will happen between now and then. Maybe kc will come and have lunch with me today since she is still sleeping in my bed, which I really didn't want to leave this morning. Fuck me, my head is going to be fucked if I keep this up.
I also told her that I think her vacation is a good thing, for us to be separated for a little while. I couldn't tell if she was hurt by that or not, maybe a little. I told her that I couldn't wait around for her to make up her mind about what she wants, the inconsistency isn't cutting it for me, she knows what I want from her and if I can't have it then I'm not going to wait around for her to figure it out. She asked if I wanted her to go on vacation so that I could hook up with other girls, I said that that wasn't my intention, that I wasn't going to go out looking for it, but I can't control what happens. If I meet someone I like and want to flirt with them then I'm not going to feel guilty about it. She understood, she knows that she has no right to complain about what I do or to try and tell me what to do, because if she could make up her fucking mind then it wouldn't be a problem.
But she's not sure about dating me again. She's not sure about some parts of our personalities, if they mesh well or not. She thinks that she's always going to be fucked and inconsistent with women. I told her to get over herself, that it's a mind game she's playing with herself and the only one that's being mentally fucked by it is her. She knows it is, but she can't help it. I don't know, at least we were talking about things, and at least I'm being completely and brutally honest with her. She said that if I hooked up with another chick that she didn't want to know about...not a problem there. I mean, I don't think that I'll hook up with anyone, I'm not usually a one-nighter kind of girl. However, if I want to make out with someone and have a good time then I'm not going to let her be in the back of my head.
I told her that it was hard for me to figure out what to do. Some part of me wants to hold out hope that she'll fucking figure it out, and then the other part of me knows that I can't wait around for that. If by some chance of fate we do end up back together then so be it. This is why I think that her vacation will be good for both of us. I told her that I honestly didn't think I'd see her after backpacking until she got back and that it was confusing because she had said last week that it was complicated for me to go to her house and then suddenly this week she wants to come sleep with me?
She said that she had removed h from the equation, that she knows it would be a horrible idea for her to go down that road, that it would complicate things, a lot. But that still leaves her with having to make a decision about me. She said she would be sad if she lost her snuggle buddy. I asked her why that would make her sad if she knows that I can't wait around for her to make a decision, that I'm not going to be strung along, waiting and wanting. She couldn't answer it, said that was another conversation altogether. I'm not sure if she knows the answer to that question, I think the answer to that question is what is causing her to be unable to make a decision.
So she knows that I'm not going to wait around for her, at least I told her that. I told her that I have some eye candy on the other rugby team, some new eye candy, not sure how she felt about that, I think that she thinks I am going to go out and purposefully try to hook up with this girl, get my rebound sex out of the way. Who knows, maybe it'll happen, but I'm not going to plan on it. I am going to get my flirt on with her though, assuming that she doesn't have a girlfriend. Eye candy is my ideal type: taller than me, strong arms, cute as hell, short blonde hair, adorable in her glasses. I haven't talked to her yet, so who knows, that's a huge part of the attraction for me, I mean, she could be totally fucking hot, but if she's a moron then peace out, no thanks.
I guess at least she's made up her mind about h so that's a step in the right direction, at least for her. And who knows, she's leaving for vacation on Tuesday, so maybe I'll see her again before that, maybe not. I'm not changing my plans for her, so really, unless she wants to see me again tonight, then she's just going to have to wait for Sunday or Monday to roll around. I haven't told her about the party on Saturday night, not that she would care that I was going or what I did there, but she doesn't need to know every move I make.
She's worried that I will close up again because I told her that I reserve a special part of me for someone I'm with. She got a glimpse of it and then I shut down, it was too much too soon. I have to learn how to regulate that, fucking oxytocin. I have to learn how to take my time with someone I like, learn to open myself up to them. She knows this. Whether she wants to stick around and do that is up to her, if she doesn't, I've learned for the next time, and if she does, then I've learned what to do with her.
Is it Saturday night yet? Fuck, is it next Tuesday yet? I need to go see my sister's psychic, maybe she can shed some light on the situation. Unfortunately I won't see my sister until December and that's a long time from now, so who knows what will happen between now and then. Maybe kc will come and have lunch with me today since she is still sleeping in my bed, which I really didn't want to leave this morning. Fuck me, my head is going to be fucked if I keep this up.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Punishment...
Yeah, I'm a glutton for it. I know. I'm a fucking idiot. But what am I going to do? I like the girl. And I'd really like to know why she has been all freaking weird the last few days. I mean, that drunk text was interesting and so after yesterday not really sure what is going on.
kc didn't come over last night. Actually, I didn't even hear from her until 7:30pm. At least I wasn't waiting by the phone. I went down to the city for a teambuilding activity at 1pm, had a margarita and some beers with the work people. Then kk invited me over since I didn't want to drive back up home just to turn around and drive right back to the city for rugby. So we hung out at her house and talked and had a few more beers, it was pretty nice to get to talk to her outside of work, she seems like a really fun chick. And I almost have her convinced to ditch her boyfriend and have a girls night out for the next First Friday.
So I had a little buzz when I started to play rugby, but at least I was good and was drinking water along with my cocktails. And I didn't spend all evening checking my phone, I just checked it when we were done playing. So at least I made her wait for a response, she just said hello. I asked if she wanted to come up and talk about what was going on and she said not tonight but maybe tomorrow night. Told her that I had softball but she could come over afterward since I'm fucking tired right now. So now she's supposed to come up tonight, possibly come watch my softball game (or even play, sometimes we're short on girls, it's a co-ed league). Who knows, I'm not holding my breath for it, she has a habit of bailing on me at the last minute. Although for some reason I don't think she will tonight. Something in her mood and the wording of her messages just makes me think that she will actually come and see me tonight.
But on a higher note, I did get to check out my eye candy on the other rugby team. She's pretty cute, although it appears as though she might have a girlfriend. Oh well, can't hurt to look. And I'm pretty sure that she'll be at the party on Saturday so that is good. Apparently there are going to be a lot of single lesbians at this party so that is a good thing. It will certainly help me expand my circle, I need to escape the small circle that I have been sucked into. And the rugby girls did some karaoke and I had a really fun evening last night. I laughed like I haven't laughed in a long time and that is such a good feeling for me. It helps my sanity so much. So even though I left there really late (and didn't even want to leave when I did) and got up early to go to work, I'm still in a pretty good mood. And wondering how tonight will turn out.
kc didn't come over last night. Actually, I didn't even hear from her until 7:30pm. At least I wasn't waiting by the phone. I went down to the city for a teambuilding activity at 1pm, had a margarita and some beers with the work people. Then kk invited me over since I didn't want to drive back up home just to turn around and drive right back to the city for rugby. So we hung out at her house and talked and had a few more beers, it was pretty nice to get to talk to her outside of work, she seems like a really fun chick. And I almost have her convinced to ditch her boyfriend and have a girls night out for the next First Friday.
So I had a little buzz when I started to play rugby, but at least I was good and was drinking water along with my cocktails. And I didn't spend all evening checking my phone, I just checked it when we were done playing. So at least I made her wait for a response, she just said hello. I asked if she wanted to come up and talk about what was going on and she said not tonight but maybe tomorrow night. Told her that I had softball but she could come over afterward since I'm fucking tired right now. So now she's supposed to come up tonight, possibly come watch my softball game (or even play, sometimes we're short on girls, it's a co-ed league). Who knows, I'm not holding my breath for it, she has a habit of bailing on me at the last minute. Although for some reason I don't think she will tonight. Something in her mood and the wording of her messages just makes me think that she will actually come and see me tonight.
But on a higher note, I did get to check out my eye candy on the other rugby team. She's pretty cute, although it appears as though she might have a girlfriend. Oh well, can't hurt to look. And I'm pretty sure that she'll be at the party on Saturday so that is good. Apparently there are going to be a lot of single lesbians at this party so that is a good thing. It will certainly help me expand my circle, I need to escape the small circle that I have been sucked into. And the rugby girls did some karaoke and I had a really fun evening last night. I laughed like I haven't laughed in a long time and that is such a good feeling for me. It helps my sanity so much. So even though I left there really late (and didn't even want to leave when I did) and got up early to go to work, I'm still in a pretty good mood. And wondering how tonight will turn out.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Alcohol...
The truth serum. How the hell am I supposed to move on when she sends me fucking texts at 4:45am (yeah, that's right, 15 minutes before I get up for work) that ask if she can come and sleep with me? I'm sure she was not sober when she sent it, and when I got to work I had an e-mail that said she had a really crappy night. Not my fault, GFY!
What, suddenly I'm good enough when you're having a bad day? You don't want me to sleep at your house because it would be too uncomfortable, but when you need a snuggle buddy and someone to comfort you, now I'm the one? I don't get it.
We had a mini text-a-thon last night about how I'm confused about where we are at right now. Are we friends, friends with benefits, or something else? She said that we probably couldn't be friends with benefits because she wants to date other people and she knows that I'm not down with that. Okay fine, but then WTF, why are you sending me these messages that you want to come sleep with me? And at my house? Usually she only wants me to go down to her house, she never really asks if she can come to my house so that just makes it more bizarre.
So, I sent her a reply about an hour later (I didn't even realize I had the text until I got out of the shower and ready to leave for work) that said I was on my way to work but if she wanted to come watch rugby and come up afterward then that was fine. I know, I'm a glutton for punishment, but I figure that when she comes to sometime this afternoon she'll check her phone and see what she wrote, and then bail on coming up tonight. I mean, I'd be pretty shocked if she did want to come over tonight, though if she does she's just going to have to wait until I'm done having a couple beverages with the team after our games tonight.
But again, I doubt that she'll come up, unless her day yesterday was really that bad. I can't imagine how it would be, unless h hooked up with someone else, in which case I don't really want to hear about it. I mean, how am I supposed to feel sympathy for her? This is exactly how she has made me feel. I could feign sympathy, but she'd see right through it. Maybe something else happened, maybe she had an epiphany, maybe she went to hit on a girl and got completely denied, although I don't see how any of those reasons would make her want to come and snuggle with me that badly. It's just highly unusual (I know, I repeat myself, but this is just fucking weird) for her to ask to come to my place.
I don't know. We'll see what happens this evening. I have to give her the CD I burnt of all the pictures from our backpacking trip. I told her I'd give it to her at rugby tonight if she wanted. Who knows, maybe she'll come to rugby and then want to come to my house. That'd probably fuck me in the head a little bit, but I like snuggling with her and sleeping with her, it's just hard to keep my hands off of her when she's right there.
What, suddenly I'm good enough when you're having a bad day? You don't want me to sleep at your house because it would be too uncomfortable, but when you need a snuggle buddy and someone to comfort you, now I'm the one? I don't get it.
We had a mini text-a-thon last night about how I'm confused about where we are at right now. Are we friends, friends with benefits, or something else? She said that we probably couldn't be friends with benefits because she wants to date other people and she knows that I'm not down with that. Okay fine, but then WTF, why are you sending me these messages that you want to come sleep with me? And at my house? Usually she only wants me to go down to her house, she never really asks if she can come to my house so that just makes it more bizarre.
So, I sent her a reply about an hour later (I didn't even realize I had the text until I got out of the shower and ready to leave for work) that said I was on my way to work but if she wanted to come watch rugby and come up afterward then that was fine. I know, I'm a glutton for punishment, but I figure that when she comes to sometime this afternoon she'll check her phone and see what she wrote, and then bail on coming up tonight. I mean, I'd be pretty shocked if she did want to come over tonight, though if she does she's just going to have to wait until I'm done having a couple beverages with the team after our games tonight.
But again, I doubt that she'll come up, unless her day yesterday was really that bad. I can't imagine how it would be, unless h hooked up with someone else, in which case I don't really want to hear about it. I mean, how am I supposed to feel sympathy for her? This is exactly how she has made me feel. I could feign sympathy, but she'd see right through it. Maybe something else happened, maybe she had an epiphany, maybe she went to hit on a girl and got completely denied, although I don't see how any of those reasons would make her want to come and snuggle with me that badly. It's just highly unusual (I know, I repeat myself, but this is just fucking weird) for her to ask to come to my place.
I don't know. We'll see what happens this evening. I have to give her the CD I burnt of all the pictures from our backpacking trip. I told her I'd give it to her at rugby tonight if she wanted. Who knows, maybe she'll come to rugby and then want to come to my house. That'd probably fuck me in the head a little bit, but I like snuggling with her and sleeping with her, it's just hard to keep my hands off of her when she's right there.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Peace Out...
Yeah, it's time to move on. If kc wants back into my life then she knows what to do and where to find me. There's too much tension when I'm at her house, but at least s will be gone for 3 weeks. However, kc and h are going on a road trip to see kc's family for 10 days and then probably to visit s for a long weekend. At least peacing myself out of the situation should be easy since she won't even be around.
Let me go back to Wednesday night. I had rugby down in the city and had asked kc earlier in the week if I could just sleep at her house that night since we were leaving for backpacking on Thursday morning. To which she said yes. And then on Wednesday night while I'm getting ready to play she sends me a text that says it would be too uncomfortable for me to sleep there, would I mind just going down in the morning? Uh, well, since I was already packed for the trip and hadn't planned on going home, yes it's a huge pain in my ass. However, at least one of the girls on the team lives close by so I just crashed at her place so I didn't have to drive all over creation.
It actually worked out nicely. sr lives close to kc so I didn't have to drive that far, and I got to hang out and have a drama free evening with some of the girls on the team. If it weren't for them I'd have probably considered jumping off a bridge by now. They keep me sane and don't mind my incessant bitching, well, maybe they do, they just don't tell me.
So then I had to go backpacking for 4 days and 3 nights with kc and ud. And did anything happen? NO! Not that I didn't want it to, maybe she did too, but still...nothing. I did get a backrub one night, but other than that, not much, a little canoodling here and there. I did however get some really good nature pictures and the scenery was beautiful. My legs got torn to shit during the hikes though, but oh well, it just makes me look more hardcore.
So after all of this it's just time to peace out. I don't need this shit. I need someone who wants to be with me. Someone who isn't going to keep me around just in case. I want her to know why she wants to be with me and she's going to have to work for it. I want her to miss me when I'm gone since she did while I was visiting my aunts. Maybe she'll miss me while she's on her road trip. Maybe she'll finally hook up with h. At this point I don't care. It's too hard with everything else going on in my life to add that to my stress list. Once again, I'm trying to avoid drama. If I can live drama-free for just a little while my sanity will certainly recover. I've got a party to go to this weekend in the city with one of the other rugby teams and there are some cuties on that team that I can flirt with. And who knows, maybe someone will actually be interested in me that doesn't want to be with someone else.
Let me go back to Wednesday night. I had rugby down in the city and had asked kc earlier in the week if I could just sleep at her house that night since we were leaving for backpacking on Thursday morning. To which she said yes. And then on Wednesday night while I'm getting ready to play she sends me a text that says it would be too uncomfortable for me to sleep there, would I mind just going down in the morning? Uh, well, since I was already packed for the trip and hadn't planned on going home, yes it's a huge pain in my ass. However, at least one of the girls on the team lives close by so I just crashed at her place so I didn't have to drive all over creation.
It actually worked out nicely. sr lives close to kc so I didn't have to drive that far, and I got to hang out and have a drama free evening with some of the girls on the team. If it weren't for them I'd have probably considered jumping off a bridge by now. They keep me sane and don't mind my incessant bitching, well, maybe they do, they just don't tell me.
So then I had to go backpacking for 4 days and 3 nights with kc and ud. And did anything happen? NO! Not that I didn't want it to, maybe she did too, but still...nothing. I did get a backrub one night, but other than that, not much, a little canoodling here and there. I did however get some really good nature pictures and the scenery was beautiful. My legs got torn to shit during the hikes though, but oh well, it just makes me look more hardcore.
So after all of this it's just time to peace out. I don't need this shit. I need someone who wants to be with me. Someone who isn't going to keep me around just in case. I want her to know why she wants to be with me and she's going to have to work for it. I want her to miss me when I'm gone since she did while I was visiting my aunts. Maybe she'll miss me while she's on her road trip. Maybe she'll finally hook up with h. At this point I don't care. It's too hard with everything else going on in my life to add that to my stress list. Once again, I'm trying to avoid drama. If I can live drama-free for just a little while my sanity will certainly recover. I've got a party to go to this weekend in the city with one of the other rugby teams and there are some cuties on that team that I can flirt with. And who knows, maybe someone will actually be interested in me that doesn't want to be with someone else.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Trepedition...
Synonymous with anxiety. Why am I having it? I think I just want it over with. I just can't take the not knowing, there are too many other things going on right now in my life. I just can't take the anxiousness, the will she/won't she crap, it's making me sick. Not just sick in the head, literally, physically ill. I can't lose any more fucking weight but I can't put any on because I have no desire to eat.
I have a weight I can't go below (140lbs, yes, I will admit what I weigh, you readers have no idea who I am and I'm not that shy about it anyway). I stepped on the scale this morning and that's where I was at. I have been hovering right above it for the last few weeks at a solid 142lbs, but this morning was not so good.
And I have to go backpacking with kc for 4 days. Backpacking is already a physically exerting hobby, one I enjoy immensely, however one in which you also tend to lose a little weight during just because of the pack you're carrying around and the hiking. I'm going to be carrying a pack that weighs close to 40lbs (maybe a little more, I didn't put it on the scale this time) and hiking 4 miles in one day. The next day will be a lot of hiking, but at least not with the pack on, but still, exerting a lot of energy.
I also really wanted to have some nice hot sex with kc in the tent, however with the whole h thing I'm not really sure what is going on. She hasn't really talked to me about it, although when I go to her house tonight after rugby (we're leaving early tomorrow morning otherwise I wouldn't be spending the night there) she probably will. And knowing her it'll be right before I want to fall asleep in which case I won't be able to sleep, or I'll cry myself to sleep. God, why did I have to start falling for this girl?
And to add shit to the already waist deep pile I'm in, d is going to come down and watch some rugby with r, and my friend who she thinks is cute isn't going to be there. That sucks. I really don't want to hurt d's feelings, but she doesn't do it for me. She seems like she could be a really nice friend and all, but even when I was hammered there was no attraction to her at all, and booze is the ultimate truth serum. And I think that if she knew the full story of what was going on with kc she might get her hopes up and I don't want her to because I'm just not going to fall into her lap, ever.
And then talking with cal at lunch yesterday, I realized that part of my problem with guarding myself at kc's house, is that I'm not really sure how I feel about s. I can't tell if she is being sincere with me or what she is telling kc when I'm not around. I just get this vibe from her that I should watch myself around her, and I'm sure she picks up on it, but I don't care. I can't control that feeling that I get. And I know she's pushing kc to be with h, or at least that's what it feels like. She's already got a fairly controlling grip on kc as it is. I mean, the other week they both came down to watch my rugby game, they saw the first one and then s wanted to go get something to eat and kc wanted to stay and watch the second game. I mean, it's 7 minute halves for crying out loud, s couldn't wait another 15 minutes to leave and go eat? So they left even though kc wanted to stay.
I'm not really sure what is going on with those two. I mean, kc has at least flat out told me that she likes h. But where does s fit into all of this? I am starting to think that it's a situation similar to that of me and d, d really likes me (s really likes kc), however I am not attracted and have no sexual feelings toward d (kc has already told me that s is only a friend and she could never like her like that). Except that I know what's going on with d, and if it's what I think it is with s, then kc has no fucking idea. I think that s just likes having kc around since I don't see her doing too many things outside of the house without kc. And if kc was dating me I would want her to come to my house more, in which case she wouldn't be there to pal around with s.
See where my fucking problems are? This is what makes me sick in the head, this is what gives me anxiety, this is what is making me lose weight. Seriously, if shit doesn't change over the next 4 days, I really just need to tell kc that I need some space for a while. She can keep in contact with me if she wants to, I'd like that, but I can't hang out with her at her house. We can go mountain biking and stuff, but we can't snuggle and take naps and do all of the other stuff that I like doing. I'll find someone else to fuck. And eventually I will find someone who is as excited to be with me as I am to be with them. Eventually.
Eventually I will find someone who wants to take me out to dinner, who wants to buy me flowers, who will hug me and snuggle with me and fit into me as well as she does. Someone who won't freak out about my past, but someone who will understand if I am a little guarded at first. Someone who will push for me to open myself up, but someone who won't run away when I do. Someone who will make me soup when I am sick and someone who will cook me dinner at night, someone who is stable, and comfortable, and sure of themselves, sure enough of me to help me when I hit a rough patch. Someone who can fuck me as good as she does, who is adventurous like me, who won't freak out if I want some time to myself, who doesn't need to be around me all the time, but still does want to be around me and will make the effort to do so, especially if we live in different towns.
That's who I want. I don't know why I want her to be that, she obviously isn't, at least not the excited to be with me part. I don't know why I just can't walk away. I have never won when someone has had to choose between me or someone else, I don't know why I think that things would have changed for me now. Three times now, well, I guess 4 if you count this situation, I have never been the one that someone has chosen. Maybe I watch too many sappy romantic movies, but just once I'd like to be the one. I'd like to be the one that someone picks, the one they surprise in the middle of the night, the one who gets the happy ending.
I have a weight I can't go below (140lbs, yes, I will admit what I weigh, you readers have no idea who I am and I'm not that shy about it anyway). I stepped on the scale this morning and that's where I was at. I have been hovering right above it for the last few weeks at a solid 142lbs, but this morning was not so good.
And I have to go backpacking with kc for 4 days. Backpacking is already a physically exerting hobby, one I enjoy immensely, however one in which you also tend to lose a little weight during just because of the pack you're carrying around and the hiking. I'm going to be carrying a pack that weighs close to 40lbs (maybe a little more, I didn't put it on the scale this time) and hiking 4 miles in one day. The next day will be a lot of hiking, but at least not with the pack on, but still, exerting a lot of energy.
I also really wanted to have some nice hot sex with kc in the tent, however with the whole h thing I'm not really sure what is going on. She hasn't really talked to me about it, although when I go to her house tonight after rugby (we're leaving early tomorrow morning otherwise I wouldn't be spending the night there) she probably will. And knowing her it'll be right before I want to fall asleep in which case I won't be able to sleep, or I'll cry myself to sleep. God, why did I have to start falling for this girl?
And to add shit to the already waist deep pile I'm in, d is going to come down and watch some rugby with r, and my friend who she thinks is cute isn't going to be there. That sucks. I really don't want to hurt d's feelings, but she doesn't do it for me. She seems like she could be a really nice friend and all, but even when I was hammered there was no attraction to her at all, and booze is the ultimate truth serum. And I think that if she knew the full story of what was going on with kc she might get her hopes up and I don't want her to because I'm just not going to fall into her lap, ever.
And then talking with cal at lunch yesterday, I realized that part of my problem with guarding myself at kc's house, is that I'm not really sure how I feel about s. I can't tell if she is being sincere with me or what she is telling kc when I'm not around. I just get this vibe from her that I should watch myself around her, and I'm sure she picks up on it, but I don't care. I can't control that feeling that I get. And I know she's pushing kc to be with h, or at least that's what it feels like. She's already got a fairly controlling grip on kc as it is. I mean, the other week they both came down to watch my rugby game, they saw the first one and then s wanted to go get something to eat and kc wanted to stay and watch the second game. I mean, it's 7 minute halves for crying out loud, s couldn't wait another 15 minutes to leave and go eat? So they left even though kc wanted to stay.
I'm not really sure what is going on with those two. I mean, kc has at least flat out told me that she likes h. But where does s fit into all of this? I am starting to think that it's a situation similar to that of me and d, d really likes me (s really likes kc), however I am not attracted and have no sexual feelings toward d (kc has already told me that s is only a friend and she could never like her like that). Except that I know what's going on with d, and if it's what I think it is with s, then kc has no fucking idea. I think that s just likes having kc around since I don't see her doing too many things outside of the house without kc. And if kc was dating me I would want her to come to my house more, in which case she wouldn't be there to pal around with s.
See where my fucking problems are? This is what makes me sick in the head, this is what gives me anxiety, this is what is making me lose weight. Seriously, if shit doesn't change over the next 4 days, I really just need to tell kc that I need some space for a while. She can keep in contact with me if she wants to, I'd like that, but I can't hang out with her at her house. We can go mountain biking and stuff, but we can't snuggle and take naps and do all of the other stuff that I like doing. I'll find someone else to fuck. And eventually I will find someone who is as excited to be with me as I am to be with them. Eventually.
Eventually I will find someone who wants to take me out to dinner, who wants to buy me flowers, who will hug me and snuggle with me and fit into me as well as she does. Someone who won't freak out about my past, but someone who will understand if I am a little guarded at first. Someone who will push for me to open myself up, but someone who won't run away when I do. Someone who will make me soup when I am sick and someone who will cook me dinner at night, someone who is stable, and comfortable, and sure of themselves, sure enough of me to help me when I hit a rough patch. Someone who can fuck me as good as she does, who is adventurous like me, who won't freak out if I want some time to myself, who doesn't need to be around me all the time, but still does want to be around me and will make the effort to do so, especially if we live in different towns.
That's who I want. I don't know why I want her to be that, she obviously isn't, at least not the excited to be with me part. I don't know why I just can't walk away. I have never won when someone has had to choose between me or someone else, I don't know why I think that things would have changed for me now. Three times now, well, I guess 4 if you count this situation, I have never been the one that someone has chosen. Maybe I watch too many sappy romantic movies, but just once I'd like to be the one. I'd like to be the one that someone picks, the one they surprise in the middle of the night, the one who gets the happy ending.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Complacency or acceptance...
I think it's almost time to write off kc, or at least the chance of us ever being together. Well, let me give a recap of this weekend, because it was a bitchin' weekend after all, at least the good outweighs the bad.
Part I: Friday
Got out of work early and went home to get showered, dressed, and lookin' smoking for the evening. And I did, I was definitely looking hot. kc said that she wasn't going to go to the bar with d, r, and me, but that she would go out to dinner. When I got down to her house h was cooking, so d and r went out and I stayed there and ate. They came back and picked me up. Things were cool, kc told me to get dirty and that I looked hot in the shirt I had on (fuck yeah, that shirt would make my grandma's tits look good, so obviously mine were out there for the world to see), and I almost had her convinced to go out. Yet the powers of persuasion that are s and h were at play so that was a no.
So d, r, and I go out to the bar to get our drink on and get our dance on. Met some of d's friends there, saw some people I knew, and the rugby chick that I wanted to introduce to d showed up so that was awesome. Soon enough we were all a little toasted, d especially, and the music picked up. d groped me on the dance floor, apparently r noticed that she wouldn't stop staring at my chest (well, my fault too, I did put it out there). d ended up cock-blocking another girl from dancing with me, which kinda sucked because I really wanted her to talk to j and see if she was interested or not, and the other girl was taller than me (which I like), and cute, though hopefully that wasn't beer goggles.
Poor d ended up puking in the bathroom and then when I talked to her on Sunday she had no recollection of feeling me up and kept apologizing. I was definitely feeling intoxicated, but certainly not vomitous (thank god). Got back to kc's house and she was passed out on the garage roof with the telescope up there. I woke her up as I was climbing the ladder and she couldn't believe I did it in the shoes I was wearing. Tried to look at the moon through the telescope, it was a nice moment.
Went to snuggle with her in bed and do recall having some drunk conversation about how she is conflicting with the words that she uses with me. How some of the things she says makes me confused as to whether she wants a girlfriend or not and how she was seeing things before. And then I passed out.
Part II: Saturday
kc woke up before me which is unusual, and usually she's content to lay in bed and snuggle with me all morning, which was not the case. That sucked a bit. At least I didn't have a hangover, I was just a little groggy. Later in the morning, s, h, kc, and I rode bikes to the park and played some catch and some frisbee. I was playing in my bikini top which is unusual for me, but I was feeling the confidence after the night before.
Then in the afternoon drove up to the lake for some car camping with dc and jo. That was bitchin, I was really enjoying being out of cell service range so that I didn't have to think about what kc was doing. She was supposed to go camping with s but they ended up chickening out because when they got up there some animal was outside their tent and it scared them. I told her she should've come with me, it would've been fun.
But, I had a good time with dc. She is one of the best friends I think I will ever have. We can talk about anything and be completely honest, because we are so much alike that we know when the other is bullshitting us or themselves. And everyone needs a friend like that. Someone to call you on your crap and tell you when you're deluding yourself and tell you to walk away from someone who will probably break your heart a second time.
Part III: Sunday
Drove back from camping in the late morning. kc had made me a cd so I was listening to that. Didn't turn my cell phone on until I got close to home, didn't want to bother since I figured I didn't have any message anyway. However, I had 3, all from kc. 1) don't bitch too much about me, 2) came back early, had an animal encounter, 3) at k's. Okay, that's cool, k has a pool at her place and it was fuckin' hot outside. But, no invite down there to hang out, go on a hike, nothing. Fine, whatever, I had to unpack my camping stuff and do laundry. Then I was going to go to the movies but there was nothing good playing so I hit up the video store and bought 4 of them, and some Junior Mints. If I want to eat something chocolatey during a movie, those are it.
Ended up having a text-a-thon with d and kc all afternoon while I was watching movies. d kept apologizing for Friday night and what she did, I told her whatever, if I was offended she'd know and that we're still friends so it's cool. She said she thought that j was cute and had a nice smile, so she's going to come down and watch rugby on Wednesday night, so hopefully something happens. Because it's not going to happen with me, I know she likes me, but I'm just not attracted to her in that way. She's a cool person and a nice friend, but she just doesn't turn me on, and hopefully she realizes that. Then I asked kc if she wanted to go mountain biking on Monday and she did.
Part IV: Monday
Went mountain biking with kc. The trail is pretty nice, although I remember it being a lot harder last summer. Although last summer was 20 lbs ago and I am in MUCH better shape now than I was then, so that might've helped. We stopped at a little bench and took a breather and then kc felt the need to expunge details about h to me. I guess I wanted to know just to know and I'm glad she's feeling the need to be honest with me, but why does it have to feel like my damn heart is being ripped out every time she does it?
She told me that they've kissed and snuggled and that she could totally see herself being in a long term relationship with h because she's so fucking perfect. I was like, um, okay, well do I play a factor in any of this? She said yes, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. All I kept hearing was how h was fucking with her head because she likes her so much (duh, now she should know how I feel). However, h just got out of a relationship and doesn't want one, plus she lives with kc, and that's a huge x mark because kc doesn't like to live with her girlfriends. They were supposed to have a talk last night and kc thought that h was going to tell her that they couldn't do anything more that they could only be friends. So who the fuck knows what happened with that, all I know is that kc sent me a text last night that she didn't want to talk about it. I assume that h told her what kc thought she was going to say, who knows. I've got a 4 day backpacking trip coming up in 2 days with kc anyway, so I guess there will be plenty of time to talk about it then.
I told her that if she does ever want to date me that she is going to have to prove to me that I am not a consolation prize, that she doesn't want to be with me only because h doesn't want to be with her. Guess I'll see if that ever happens, in the meantime, can't hurt to keep my options open and flirt with whatever fucking rugby girls I want. There's supposed to be a big party in 2 weeks which I'll be going to, not inviting kc along with me, and then maybe I can get her out of my fucking head for a night and see if I like any of the girls at the party. God I hope so because I think that this girl could really do a number on me, possibly worse than she already has, and that scares the shit out of me.
WTF? I should just walk away now before I get hurt again. It's just so damn hard to. It's hard having feelings for someone who has those feelings for someone else. Unrequited anything just sucks ass. I almost wish kc told me that she had sex with h, because then it would be so much easier to walk away. But then I am glad that they didn't. I can't decide.
Part I: Friday
Got out of work early and went home to get showered, dressed, and lookin' smoking for the evening. And I did, I was definitely looking hot. kc said that she wasn't going to go to the bar with d, r, and me, but that she would go out to dinner. When I got down to her house h was cooking, so d and r went out and I stayed there and ate. They came back and picked me up. Things were cool, kc told me to get dirty and that I looked hot in the shirt I had on (fuck yeah, that shirt would make my grandma's tits look good, so obviously mine were out there for the world to see), and I almost had her convinced to go out. Yet the powers of persuasion that are s and h were at play so that was a no.
So d, r, and I go out to the bar to get our drink on and get our dance on. Met some of d's friends there, saw some people I knew, and the rugby chick that I wanted to introduce to d showed up so that was awesome. Soon enough we were all a little toasted, d especially, and the music picked up. d groped me on the dance floor, apparently r noticed that she wouldn't stop staring at my chest (well, my fault too, I did put it out there). d ended up cock-blocking another girl from dancing with me, which kinda sucked because I really wanted her to talk to j and see if she was interested or not, and the other girl was taller than me (which I like), and cute, though hopefully that wasn't beer goggles.
Poor d ended up puking in the bathroom and then when I talked to her on Sunday she had no recollection of feeling me up and kept apologizing. I was definitely feeling intoxicated, but certainly not vomitous (thank god). Got back to kc's house and she was passed out on the garage roof with the telescope up there. I woke her up as I was climbing the ladder and she couldn't believe I did it in the shoes I was wearing. Tried to look at the moon through the telescope, it was a nice moment.
Went to snuggle with her in bed and do recall having some drunk conversation about how she is conflicting with the words that she uses with me. How some of the things she says makes me confused as to whether she wants a girlfriend or not and how she was seeing things before. And then I passed out.
Part II: Saturday
kc woke up before me which is unusual, and usually she's content to lay in bed and snuggle with me all morning, which was not the case. That sucked a bit. At least I didn't have a hangover, I was just a little groggy. Later in the morning, s, h, kc, and I rode bikes to the park and played some catch and some frisbee. I was playing in my bikini top which is unusual for me, but I was feeling the confidence after the night before.
Then in the afternoon drove up to the lake for some car camping with dc and jo. That was bitchin, I was really enjoying being out of cell service range so that I didn't have to think about what kc was doing. She was supposed to go camping with s but they ended up chickening out because when they got up there some animal was outside their tent and it scared them. I told her she should've come with me, it would've been fun.
But, I had a good time with dc. She is one of the best friends I think I will ever have. We can talk about anything and be completely honest, because we are so much alike that we know when the other is bullshitting us or themselves. And everyone needs a friend like that. Someone to call you on your crap and tell you when you're deluding yourself and tell you to walk away from someone who will probably break your heart a second time.
Part III: Sunday
Drove back from camping in the late morning. kc had made me a cd so I was listening to that. Didn't turn my cell phone on until I got close to home, didn't want to bother since I figured I didn't have any message anyway. However, I had 3, all from kc. 1) don't bitch too much about me, 2) came back early, had an animal encounter, 3) at k's. Okay, that's cool, k has a pool at her place and it was fuckin' hot outside. But, no invite down there to hang out, go on a hike, nothing. Fine, whatever, I had to unpack my camping stuff and do laundry. Then I was going to go to the movies but there was nothing good playing so I hit up the video store and bought 4 of them, and some Junior Mints. If I want to eat something chocolatey during a movie, those are it.
Ended up having a text-a-thon with d and kc all afternoon while I was watching movies. d kept apologizing for Friday night and what she did, I told her whatever, if I was offended she'd know and that we're still friends so it's cool. She said she thought that j was cute and had a nice smile, so she's going to come down and watch rugby on Wednesday night, so hopefully something happens. Because it's not going to happen with me, I know she likes me, but I'm just not attracted to her in that way. She's a cool person and a nice friend, but she just doesn't turn me on, and hopefully she realizes that. Then I asked kc if she wanted to go mountain biking on Monday and she did.
Part IV: Monday
Went mountain biking with kc. The trail is pretty nice, although I remember it being a lot harder last summer. Although last summer was 20 lbs ago and I am in MUCH better shape now than I was then, so that might've helped. We stopped at a little bench and took a breather and then kc felt the need to expunge details about h to me. I guess I wanted to know just to know and I'm glad she's feeling the need to be honest with me, but why does it have to feel like my damn heart is being ripped out every time she does it?
She told me that they've kissed and snuggled and that she could totally see herself being in a long term relationship with h because she's so fucking perfect. I was like, um, okay, well do I play a factor in any of this? She said yes, but it certainly doesn't feel like it. All I kept hearing was how h was fucking with her head because she likes her so much (duh, now she should know how I feel). However, h just got out of a relationship and doesn't want one, plus she lives with kc, and that's a huge x mark because kc doesn't like to live with her girlfriends. They were supposed to have a talk last night and kc thought that h was going to tell her that they couldn't do anything more that they could only be friends. So who the fuck knows what happened with that, all I know is that kc sent me a text last night that she didn't want to talk about it. I assume that h told her what kc thought she was going to say, who knows. I've got a 4 day backpacking trip coming up in 2 days with kc anyway, so I guess there will be plenty of time to talk about it then.
I told her that if she does ever want to date me that she is going to have to prove to me that I am not a consolation prize, that she doesn't want to be with me only because h doesn't want to be with her. Guess I'll see if that ever happens, in the meantime, can't hurt to keep my options open and flirt with whatever fucking rugby girls I want. There's supposed to be a big party in 2 weeks which I'll be going to, not inviting kc along with me, and then maybe I can get her out of my fucking head for a night and see if I like any of the girls at the party. God I hope so because I think that this girl could really do a number on me, possibly worse than she already has, and that scares the shit out of me.
WTF? I should just walk away now before I get hurt again. It's just so damn hard to. It's hard having feelings for someone who has those feelings for someone else. Unrequited anything just sucks ass. I almost wish kc told me that she had sex with h, because then it would be so much easier to walk away. But then I am glad that they didn't. I can't decide.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Tired but satisfied...
So kc came over last night. I grilled up some delicious dinner, turkey burgers with swiss cheese and mushroom dip. She was only an hour late, but at least she texted to say that she had something to do at 5 and that she might be late since she had to bring s home and then go back to her house to pick something up. So at least I had advanced warning.
While I was cooking we were talking. I had told her that I hadn't been able to fall asleep on Monday night and she asked why and if it was because she hadn't come over on either of the past 2 nights. I told her it was just because I have a lot on my mind with work and everything and that yeah, I was a little bummed she hadn't come over. I told her that if she had just said she wasn't going to come over in the first place it wouldn't have bothered me and I still would have been sending her the dirty texts. At least I'm being honest with her and telling her what's going on. Then she asked about how much time I thought that we should be seeing each other compared to how it was at first. I told her that maybe a little less, she said she had no idea. I just said that I would do what I had to do, she does what she has to do, and then we can meet up in between. I'm not sure how much she took to that answer, but it's the only one I can come up with.
When we first met I think that we spent way too much time together and moved things along far too quickly. I don't want to make that mistake again, I want to enjoy the ride and not feel rushed along. I want her to take me on dates and make plans with me instead of just assuming that I'm going down to her house for the weekend. I'm going to keep making plans with the rugby team and with my other friends and then do what I can with her. I can't be making plans with her then the rugby team then my other friends. Maybe at some point she will increase in the pecking order, but that will be after we have a relationship, which since she has some abherrent hatred of the word, I don't see that happening any time soon.
And then it was time to scare the poor girl who was watching the dogs. Not sure how much of it she heard, I'm sure it was at least some, but whatever, I don't think she was at the house for most of it. I can't be like that when the people I'm staying with are home so I had to get it out while they weren't there. And thank god kc's sex drive is back because I didn't care what time we went to sleep. There is something that makes me think that she does have some developing (if not serious) feelings for me. Her profusive use of saying how much she loves having me do certain things. I think it's just the fact that she says she loves them (because both of us agree that dropping an "L" bomb too early in a relationship is just a really bad idea) and actually uses the "L" word. It's both scary and endearing at the same time.
As things were getting heated she said that she thought we were just supposed to be friends. I told her it's too bad she turns me on so much and she said it's the same with me. So, who knows where things are right now, but at least we're both getting what we want. If I want her to take me on a date then I'll tell her, until then I guess we'll leave it at the friends with benefits part.
On Friday we're supposed to go out to First Friday, the monthly gathering of lesbians anywhere close to the city. It's a meat market pretty much. d is going to pick me up at kc's house and then kc and s are going to drive separately. I told kc that she should try to pick me up, I mean, she already knows that I'm going home with her if she wants it (which she does), but I want to see her pick-up style and what kind of an effort she would put in if she had no idea who I was. Plus I think it'll be fun. I can flirt with her like I would with any other girl who was trying to pick me up, give her the eye, the brush by, and whatever other flirting moves I have, along with being able to shake my ass on the dance floor.
My friend dc and I are going camping on Saturday and I guess now kc and s are going to join us. kc said her and s were going to go camping in the area that we are in, so I told her they should just go with dc, j, and I, the more the merrier. That should be a good time and then maybe I can break in my tent.
The weekend is shaping up to be a good one, let's hope it lives up to my expectations. I have the evening free tonight, but I'll probably end up getting all my camping stuff together and figure out what I need to replace that the ex took. Then have softball on Thursday night. Told kc she could come and watch if she wanted and if she wanted I would go over to her house after the game, but that I was going out with the team afterward for some wings and beer. Not going to skimp on hang time.
So things are picking up. I'm a lot happier right now than I have been in the past few months. Finally getting laid again. Getting to know the rugby girls a lot better and going to take my time with kc. Playing sports that I love to play and meeting lots of new people. So aside from being tired as hell today, I'm seeing the bright side of my life.
While I was cooking we were talking. I had told her that I hadn't been able to fall asleep on Monday night and she asked why and if it was because she hadn't come over on either of the past 2 nights. I told her it was just because I have a lot on my mind with work and everything and that yeah, I was a little bummed she hadn't come over. I told her that if she had just said she wasn't going to come over in the first place it wouldn't have bothered me and I still would have been sending her the dirty texts. At least I'm being honest with her and telling her what's going on. Then she asked about how much time I thought that we should be seeing each other compared to how it was at first. I told her that maybe a little less, she said she had no idea. I just said that I would do what I had to do, she does what she has to do, and then we can meet up in between. I'm not sure how much she took to that answer, but it's the only one I can come up with.
When we first met I think that we spent way too much time together and moved things along far too quickly. I don't want to make that mistake again, I want to enjoy the ride and not feel rushed along. I want her to take me on dates and make plans with me instead of just assuming that I'm going down to her house for the weekend. I'm going to keep making plans with the rugby team and with my other friends and then do what I can with her. I can't be making plans with her then the rugby team then my other friends. Maybe at some point she will increase in the pecking order, but that will be after we have a relationship, which since she has some abherrent hatred of the word, I don't see that happening any time soon.
And then it was time to scare the poor girl who was watching the dogs. Not sure how much of it she heard, I'm sure it was at least some, but whatever, I don't think she was at the house for most of it. I can't be like that when the people I'm staying with are home so I had to get it out while they weren't there. And thank god kc's sex drive is back because I didn't care what time we went to sleep. There is something that makes me think that she does have some developing (if not serious) feelings for me. Her profusive use of saying how much she loves having me do certain things. I think it's just the fact that she says she loves them (because both of us agree that dropping an "L" bomb too early in a relationship is just a really bad idea) and actually uses the "L" word. It's both scary and endearing at the same time.
As things were getting heated she said that she thought we were just supposed to be friends. I told her it's too bad she turns me on so much and she said it's the same with me. So, who knows where things are right now, but at least we're both getting what we want. If I want her to take me on a date then I'll tell her, until then I guess we'll leave it at the friends with benefits part.
On Friday we're supposed to go out to First Friday, the monthly gathering of lesbians anywhere close to the city. It's a meat market pretty much. d is going to pick me up at kc's house and then kc and s are going to drive separately. I told kc that she should try to pick me up, I mean, she already knows that I'm going home with her if she wants it (which she does), but I want to see her pick-up style and what kind of an effort she would put in if she had no idea who I was. Plus I think it'll be fun. I can flirt with her like I would with any other girl who was trying to pick me up, give her the eye, the brush by, and whatever other flirting moves I have, along with being able to shake my ass on the dance floor.
My friend dc and I are going camping on Saturday and I guess now kc and s are going to join us. kc said her and s were going to go camping in the area that we are in, so I told her they should just go with dc, j, and I, the more the merrier. That should be a good time and then maybe I can break in my tent.
The weekend is shaping up to be a good one, let's hope it lives up to my expectations. I have the evening free tonight, but I'll probably end up getting all my camping stuff together and figure out what I need to replace that the ex took. Then have softball on Thursday night. Told kc she could come and watch if she wanted and if she wanted I would go over to her house after the game, but that I was going out with the team afterward for some wings and beer. Not going to skimp on hang time.
So things are picking up. I'm a lot happier right now than I have been in the past few months. Finally getting laid again. Getting to know the rugby girls a lot better and going to take my time with kc. Playing sports that I love to play and meeting lots of new people. So aside from being tired as hell today, I'm seeing the bright side of my life.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Hmmm...
If she wants to then why doesn't she? She knows I want to. Does she think that telling me that she wants to but can't is any sort of consolation? If she didn't do a damn thing all day because her roommates are jobless and just sit around sucking her into their pit then the least she could do is muster some fucking energy to come and see me and make good on the texts. I mean, it's not like all her damn energy was expelled doing work on her house (which she should be doing because that's her usual excuse for not coming to see me) so WTF? Get yourself out of the fucking coma you're in and do something that you want to do besides sit on your ass. You're not that person who can just sit around all day and I'm sure it's killing you that you have been.
Oh well, sent her an invite for dinner, also thinking about inviting d and her mom. There's certainly no way I could eat all that turkey burger and dip myself. Still going cook it, nothing special for her by any means, was going to do it anyway, but she's been saying she's going to come over all weekend long, so hopefully she does. If not then I've got lunch for the rest of the week at work.
Speaking of work...
Nothing yet. Haven't heard anything about any of the jobs I've applied for and still waiting to hear how my interview with the company went. Not sure if I want the job if they offer it to me anyway, though I'd probably take it just so I wouldn't be unemployed. However the shift isn't really a desireable one, I don't want to work on the weekend, even if I do get offered the Sunday-Wednesday shift. I've done my weekend time and it sucks. I guess I'm spoiled right now with my shift, but there are plenty of other jobs out there that don't require weekend work. I really want to hear back from the geology people, I would get to spend my days caving. I know I don't have that much experience and I certainly don't have a degree in geology, but at least I do have 2 science degrees and caving is becoming a hobby of mine. So I'll see how that goes, just keep putting myself out there, hopefully something will come along.
Oh well, sent her an invite for dinner, also thinking about inviting d and her mom. There's certainly no way I could eat all that turkey burger and dip myself. Still going cook it, nothing special for her by any means, was going to do it anyway, but she's been saying she's going to come over all weekend long, so hopefully she does. If not then I've got lunch for the rest of the week at work.
Speaking of work...
Nothing yet. Haven't heard anything about any of the jobs I've applied for and still waiting to hear how my interview with the company went. Not sure if I want the job if they offer it to me anyway, though I'd probably take it just so I wouldn't be unemployed. However the shift isn't really a desireable one, I don't want to work on the weekend, even if I do get offered the Sunday-Wednesday shift. I've done my weekend time and it sucks. I guess I'm spoiled right now with my shift, but there are plenty of other jobs out there that don't require weekend work. I really want to hear back from the geology people, I would get to spend my days caving. I know I don't have that much experience and I certainly don't have a degree in geology, but at least I do have 2 science degrees and caving is becoming a hobby of mine. So I'll see how that goes, just keep putting myself out there, hopefully something will come along.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Am I dumb?
I think I am. Why on earth would I think that things would possibly change? Oh yeah, because she wanted them to. Maybe sleeping with kc wasn't such a good idea. Either that, or she just really needs to figure out what she wants, and she needs to figure it out fast. I mean, she told me that I could go down on Friday night to watch h's show with her and s, but that I couldn't stay over. However, we got back to her place around midnight and then we all stayed up playing cards and drinking. Suddently it was 4am and I was tired. I told her I would drive home but she said to go upstairs to her bed. God damn that girl turns me on and so of course I wanted to be naughty but so did she. Ended up falling asleep around 6am or so, the birds were waking up and the sun was shining. She said she wanted to stay in bed all day and snuggle with me, but she had things to do and I had some rugby stuff in the afternoon. Had a nice make-out good-bye before I left and things were good. And then yesterday happened.
She doesn't want to watch me flirt and hook up with other girls...okay fine, but if she's not going to be doing it then it's her loss. I mean, don't send me dirty texts about stuff you want me to do to you, say that you want to come over, and then bail on me. At least if I knew she wasn't going to come over then I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I still would've been sending the dirty texts, but at least I wouldn't have been under the impression that they were going to be fulfilled, at least not last night.
So I am holding out and not e-mailing or texting her until she does it first. I'm a little pissed, mostly just because I was really hoping that some of those things would happen, and a little because I spent yet another night fulfilling myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind it, at least I know how to do it right (not that she doesn't do things right by any means, she is fantastic, and actually told me that I'm the best at a certain act that she's ever had), it's just I was really looking forward to her doing it.
Well, maybe she'll get her ass up to my place tonight. The people I'm staying with are out of town until Wednesday night, so it's either tonight or tomorrow before I have to worry about how loud we are. We're supposed to go to First Friday this week and she's going to get to watch me shake my ass with whoever wants to dance with me, probably mostly d, but I'm going to introduce her to one of the girls on my rugby team, so we'll see how that goes. Then maybe it'll remind her, yet again, that I'm hot, other girls want me, and if she doesn't jump onboard soon this ship is sailing. Either that or I just need to go about my business as usual, looking for other chicks to date, and getting my flirt on.
She doesn't want to watch me flirt and hook up with other girls...okay fine, but if she's not going to be doing it then it's her loss. I mean, don't send me dirty texts about stuff you want me to do to you, say that you want to come over, and then bail on me. At least if I knew she wasn't going to come over then I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I still would've been sending the dirty texts, but at least I wouldn't have been under the impression that they were going to be fulfilled, at least not last night.
So I am holding out and not e-mailing or texting her until she does it first. I'm a little pissed, mostly just because I was really hoping that some of those things would happen, and a little because I spent yet another night fulfilling myself. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't mind it, at least I know how to do it right (not that she doesn't do things right by any means, she is fantastic, and actually told me that I'm the best at a certain act that she's ever had), it's just I was really looking forward to her doing it.
Well, maybe she'll get her ass up to my place tonight. The people I'm staying with are out of town until Wednesday night, so it's either tonight or tomorrow before I have to worry about how loud we are. We're supposed to go to First Friday this week and she's going to get to watch me shake my ass with whoever wants to dance with me, probably mostly d, but I'm going to introduce her to one of the girls on my rugby team, so we'll see how that goes. Then maybe it'll remind her, yet again, that I'm hot, other girls want me, and if she doesn't jump onboard soon this ship is sailing. Either that or I just need to go about my business as usual, looking for other chicks to date, and getting my flirt on.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)