Parental Anxiety

I've never really been good with parents, maybe it was the scarring from my first girlfriend's mom, but I always get overly anxious before I'm about to meet someone's parents. Once I'm there I'm fine, but it's the getting there part that is a little hard in my head.

Yes, I know, they love me once they meet me. And, historically, other than m's mom, all the other people I've dated parents have liked me, so I shouldn't have anything to worry about. And, if it were any other time of year, I wouldn't, well, I would at least be telling myself to calm down in my head and hopefully it would work, at least for the most part. But...tis the gift giving season. And we're flying there. And I'm sure if I asked kc if I should bring something she would say no. So, maybe once we're there we can stop off for a bottle or two of some nice wine.

See, my brain is overdoing something yet again. Well, at least I'm recognizing it early on. Time for the relaxation technique. Maybe after I get to go to the beach with kc in California and watch the sunset I'll be able to use the beach relaxation technique again, until then, Miles Davis is going through my head.

Yay, just found out we leave Friday night at 9pm. Something concrete since you can't really back out of a plane ticket. And just checked the weather, sunny and in the 60's the whole time we're going to be there. Now I'm getting excited. I just have to make it through 2 more nights of work. And then I'll be in sunny California. My mom is excited that I won't going to be spending Christmas alone.

It's not like I would be all bah-humbug or anything. I would have just gotten really drunk all by myself, maybe made a good dinner with some nice leftovers for me to eat all week, and watched Christmas movies all day. Maybe head up snowboarding by myself, although probably not. Probably just buy some movies and drink that bottle of wine, and possibly the other bottle. Not in the same day, I'm not that kind of a drunk! But, since I was being forced to take most of the week off from work, that's a whole lot of days of doing nothing.

But now at least I'll be doing something. And I get to see more of California, meet more of kc's family, learn more about her. And I'm sure that time will just keep flying past me. At least I'm keeping busy, getting out there, it makes me happy. Have some fun stuff planned for January and February, and hopefully I can just keep adding to it. I'm sure I will, we've already got most of our rugby season planned for next year. And that's only one activity, then there are the cave trips, backpacking trips, 14ers to climb, and I'm sure a ton of other things.

Putting it all out there

So, this weekend was an interesting one. Went to happy hour with the rugby girls on Thursday night and decided that since I hadn't heard from kc about dinner on Friday yet, that, fuck it, I'm going snowboarding. Knew I wasn't going to get any sleep, but I didn't have to drive so that was okay. I think she sent me a text early in the evening, but I assumed (correctly) that she ended up going to h's show in town and getting severely intoxicated.

So I went snowboarding on Friday, met up with the girls at the auto shop (at least it didn't cost as much as I thought it would) where I left my car all day, rode up to the mountain, and had a pretty good time. The snow was pretty scraped off and we hit a couple bumpy runs (moguls suck on a snowboard!) so we ended up hanging out in the bar and having some drinks. Now, I can hold my own in the drinking department, however, after no sleep, being awake for more than 24 hours, and having 3 really strong beers, I was pretty toasted (again, at least I wasn't driving).

kc called me (yeah, this is how little I get phone calls, I heard a phone ringing, and had no idea it was mine) while we were driving back and asked if I wanted to go babysit with her. She said she got drunk last night and that k had finally just brought her her phone back...oops. I told her I was on my way back from snowboarding, then she asked if I was drunk...I told her I definitely wasn't sober. So she said she might stop by later in the night when she gets done babysitting. But I passed out on my couch until around 1am and then went and crawled in my bed and woke up alone. She had sent me a text that she was going to crash at p's house for a little bit. I figured she would, that's what usually happens.

Saturday I did the volunteer thing with the rugby girls and we got out late of course. I had to bolt home and get ready for people to come over, at least I had gone grocery shopping and to the liquor store Friday when I got back from snowboarding. A handful of girls showed up and we hung out and drank and had a good time. kc said she might come over after she got done with whatever it was she was doing on Saturday night, but then she sent me a text in the morning saying she had passed out on her couch.

But Sunday morning my phone rang (again, didn't realize it was ringing, this is how little I talk on the phone) and she said she'd be over in a little while for breakfast. And then she called back to say that h had her truck and since I don't have TV did I want to go over there and watch football with her. I asked her if I could take a shower at her house, for some reason, the hot water in my shower is a bit temperamental and I took the coldest fucking shower ever on Saturday and that sucked. I think I was still a little drunk when I showed up there Sunday morning, but she made breakfast, I attempted to help and make waffles.

So Sunday was nice, we hung out and watched football and snuggled on the couch. I told her I'd tell her all my shit once I sobered up (because, well, I'm not so good at expressing myself, and it just comes out all wrong when I'm not sober). Didn't really do anything else, ended up passing out watching a movie. Woke up Monday morning, finally sober and not hungover, and told her all the shit that has been in my head lately.

I told her that I know I have issues expressing emotion, but that I need her to not freak out if I do get pissed. I told her that if she had any sort of negative reaction to something I said that I would instantly withdraw and shutdown. Neither one of us wants that to happen, she wants me to be open and honest, and I want to be able to. I told her that I realized that it was because I never actually learned how to do all this, that she was going to have to be patient and understanding, and basically put up with my shit.

Everyone reacts to anger, criticism, that sort of thing differently. Me, I become silent and withdraw. So I told her that one of the cues for her to know I'm pissed is that if I just stare at her with this what the fuck look on my face. She said she knows the look but didn't realize that that is what it was for. So, now she knows. She also said that she wanted to take things slowly with me, not rush right back into where we were before. I told her that was fine, but she is going to have to take the lead on certain things then, because rejection sucks.

We had a pretty good day yesterday. We ended up sleeping until about 3:15pm even though we had no intentions. It was okay though since I had to go to work, I like to sleep a lot on Mondays. We were going to go to the art museum but they weren't open so we went to the movies instead. And then she asked if I wanted to go to California with her since I am being forced to take almost all of next week off from work, and hang out with her family for Christmas. So that's a good thing. Still a little nervous about meeting her mom (I didn't get to meet her last time I was there), and I get to meet 2 of her brothers that I've never met before. But, it sounds like it will be a good time. We're going to go ride the rollercoasters, watch the sunset at the beach, enjoy some nice food, and see her family. And, I like who I've met so far of her family, they're really nice.

The whole holiday visit thing will be a little interesting, but she said she mostly wants to spend time with her mom, a little time with her brothers and sisters, and maybe just do dinner with her dad one night. And then the rest of the time who knows, I think she said she wants to take a drive through Joshua Tree and Mojave so that I can actually see them in the daylight. I'll have to make sure my camera batteries are charged and the memory card clear because I like to take pictures.

So, I guess, honesty is the best policy. kc said she'd probably be incredibly surprised the first time I actually do tell her I was upset, but that she'd be really happy and most likely forget about what it was that set me off in the first place. And her roommates will be gone until right before they leave for Hawaii (slowly getting over this one, though don't really want to hear about it), so she has the house to herself for the next few weeks. So hopefully she can actually get stuff accomplished around her house, and then hang out with me on the weekend. Since I can't bring my Christmas bottle of wine on the airplane I think we may just end up drinking that for New Years.

I just don't think that I could handle a crowded bar full of people. I'd rather just walk to my fridge and get another beer if I want one. Maybe if someone is having a house party I'll go, but I just don't feel like going to a bar. Someone has to drive, I hate driving, there's always tons of cops out, and it's so jam-packed that it takes longer to order a drink than it does to drink it so you're constantly in line for the bar. I'd rather be relaxed and comfortable in my house, not worrying about all the other idiot drivers out there, all the cops, it's just too much of a headache.

So one thing at a time, taking it day by day. I think that Miss Noncommital is wanting to go slow because she does want to be with me for a while, so what is the hurry? And we do have a great time when we're together, just relaxed and comfortable. And it's not like I'm in any hurry for something, I'm still trying to get myself together. This whole emotional awareness thing is a slow process, it's not like I can evolve overnight, and it's not like I really need a ton of distractions (although becoming more aware of the emotions that this girl evokes in me is quite helpful so I can tell her when she annoys me). At least I spent the weekend smiling and laughing and that's all I really wanted.

Small circle hell

Okay, maybe you aren't aware of this, but apparently every single fucking lesbian circle in this world has about 2 degrees of separation, instead of 6. Or maybe I'm on a roll right now because it's only 1:45am, I'm on my 2nd cup of coffee (I don't usually have my first cup til around 3am), I'm psyched to go snowboarding tomorrow, and I'm trying to not be the least bit concerned/annoyed about where kc is.

So, I'm strolling through that wonderful land called MySpace. Just checking out my friends pages, seeing who their friends are, found a couple friends I added, looking at pictures. When, who of all people should be friends with kc's ex...yeah, one of the BI girls. It's like small world hell for me. I can't escape this chick no matter where I go, it's like, everyone is friends with her. Not that she shouldn't have friends, but fuck, can't I have some part of my life that is kc or her ex free? Apparently not. Oh well, let's not read too much into that.

Although, I'm not sure I told kc exactly why I had to change relaxation ideas. It used to be that daydreaming of white, sandy beaches, lying in a hammock, listening to the ocean waves crash, with no one else around, would instantly calm me down and make me relax. And then kc and I were talking about how neither one of us had ever had a "romantic" vacation to the beach, and then she says, oh yeah, by the way, did I tell you I'm going to Hawaii in January with s & h and we're going to stay with my ex while we're there? Yup, way to ruin that fantasty.

I understand being friends with your ex, I do, I get it, sometimes they're good people that you just couldn't be in a relationship with. But, it almost feels as though she drops everything for this chick and does whatever she asks. I don't expect to be at the top of the priority list, she's made that abundantly clear, however, why can she drop everything for an ex and not me? So now, every time I think of white sandy beaches, I see the 4 of them huddled around a campfire on the beach and I want to vomit. Ok, that may be an exaggeration most days, but some days not.

New relaxation technique is to put on some slow jazz and picture myself sitting in a small, smoky little bar. There are small tables with candles on them, the air is hazy, and the smoothest jazz is being played. The singer has a deep, sultry voice that just burns into your soul. There is a martini in front of me. The bar is dark so you can't tell if there is anyone else in it. Let's just hope that this one doesn't get ruined.

I think the only reason I'm thinking about it and getting annoyed is, well, I shouldn't be annoyed. I should have zero expectations from this girl. It's just weird because we have a good time when we're together, I've given her her "space" all week, barely talked to her. Invited her over for dinner on either Friday or Sunday hoping she'd get the picture that I was busy Saturday night and haven't heard back from her. So, I made plans to go snowboarding tomorrow. If in fact she does actually want to have dinner with me, then she'll just have to wait until I get home. Plus I have to go to the grocery store and the liquor store for the party Saturday night.

Yup, sure am having a party at my new place. Haven't told kc about it, though it wouldn't matter if I did. Figured I'd send her a message Saturday night saying there was a party at my house if she wanted to come over, although if we have dinner Friday night then maybe I'll tell her then. Doubt she will since the rugby girls will be there, but you never know. Sometimes she hangs out with them, sometimes not.

I think that really, I'm just in this mood with her because I'm just itching to get all this shit that's been building up out of my system. And then we'll see where things are at. I just feel like I'm hanging in the balance wondering what is going to happen and I just need to know because I don't like hanging. I don't want to keep putting it off, maybe that's why I've been sick all week. My body is punishing me for yet again, eating my emotions and not saying what needs to be said. Damn this book I'm reading for making me aware of all this. And of course the chapters I read this morning were on detachment, love, and intimacy. Oh well, if I come out of it a better person then that's all that matters.

When I was back east visiting my family my aunt did a rune reading for me. It basically said that I would go through turmoil, an upheavel of sorts (I either correctly or incorrectly take this to mean my break-up with the ex), I would hit a rough patch, go through a period of growth and learning, that in the end would result in a partnership. Now, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I like kc, a lot, but what if she is the turmoil and upheavel and not the ex, and the next person I meet is the partnership I'm supposed to have? Or what if she is the partnership? WTF? I need a psychic to help me out here.

I don't get it, other than her apparent inability to commit to anything, she is great. We have fun, we discuss all kinds of things, we both like a lot of the same activities, we like to have our separate lives, don't want to live with another person but still be with them, enjoy our space (and yes, I enjoy my space, apparently when I desire to hang out is not coinciding with hers). Ack, why did I fall for Polly? That movie really does describe her spot on, maybe I should buy it and make her watch it with me. It's not like I'm looking to settle down right now, the very thought of it freaks me out a little, but I'd really like for her to not be so fucking flaky about things.

And what if I do get to the point where I want something serious? I'm sure she won't be there. Damn, okay, I just can't get that far ahead of myself. Maybe we can just have dinner sometime this weekend. That would be nice. That's about as far ahead as I can go. That's about as far ahead as I want to go since if I think about it any further I just start going on rants like this.

Emotional Awareness

When the ex and I split up (which was almost a year ago) my stepmom sent me 2 books, both of them about emotional healing. When she first sent them to me I thought they were some kind of crazy self-help book that I didn't really need to read, so I just blew them off.

Then when I was unpacking my stuff in my new place, I found the books. And I actually started to read one of them. And it made sense. Didn't think that would fucking happen, but hey, it did. The book I'm reading is about emotional awareness. I'm about halfway through it right now and some of the things it's saying are cutting directly to me.

Basically, I need to become more aware of the emotions I am feeling (which is one of the reasons I started writing this fantasticness) so that when they happen I can be more aware of what I'm feeling and if it's bad, what it's going to take to make things better. It also says that I shouldn't be afraid of what I'm feeling, that just because it might not be the same as what someone else is feeling, or if it's felt/interpreted in a different way, that's okay, it's natural, no one is going to feel the exact same way as I do, ever. My emotions are like my fingerprints, unique to me in how they are felt and expressed.

So now I am trying to become more aware of what I'm feeling, as I'm experiencing it. It's a lot easier said than done that's for sure.

Right now I'm trying not to stress about the holidays, finding a job that pays enough for me to stay in my place and go to school, getting into school. This is my first "single" holiday season, in about 5 years. The ex and I split up last January (though it should have been earlier), and so although last Christmas we were still together and it was not satisfying, we were still together. I stopped surprising the ex with naughty lingerie after the first year when she had absolutely no reaction to it whatsoever. This year, there is a little number hanging in my closet, and if I have to wear it for myself and no one else then so be it, I will. Hopefully kc will be out of her funk, she did invite me over to dinner at her friends house so we'll see.

I'm fully prepared to spend the days by myself though. It's almost as if I've been prepping myself since the early summer when I started packing up stuff and moving and now that I have my place by myself. It's not as if I have to steele myself against the revelation that I am single, I guess it's still just the first season shocks, and trying to figure out what exactly it is that I want to do now, not what we want to do. Especially since kc is so flaky, although dinner at p's house will be nice, but I mean, who knows how long she'll be around, and I just need to get some new traditions for myself going. I've got a couple nice bottles of wine, I'll get some champagne, roast a chicken in the oven, get good and drunk and have dinner by myself if it comes down to that. Otherwise, if kc isn't being flaky, then I can do that Christmas Eve, hell maybe she'll even join me, and then visit on Christmas.

New Year's is a whole other day. No idea what's happening that day, although, most likely it'll involve me drinking heavily. Other than that, I don't really expect kc to make plans in advance since she's not that great at it anyway. Maybe the rugby girls will have something going on. I just know I don't have to work, so I'll be drinking. It's not like I'm trying to numb myself through the holidays, well, maybe a little, it's just hard. This whole year has been interesting, fucking crazy, relaxing, stressful, eye opening, so many different things. And none of it anything that I could have predicted. Even if someone had said that the ex and I were going to split up, I never would have thought that this past year was what my life would look like. Except now the year is almost over and it is my life and all of the experiences in it are mine.

It's almost too surreal to believe that it's true. Sometimes I look around me and wonder how I got here. And then I realize that I never really had a plan for my life. I still don't know what I want to do for a job for the rest of my life, or even for right now. Who knows what will happen with kc and me, I'll just enjoy the time we spend together and not think too far ahead on that one. I hope that I get into school, that will at least give me some direction for the next few years, and a better chance at finding the job that was meant for me. I still really love where I'm living, and I still have a lot of exploring to do. I like knowing that I'm going home to my home, my place, my quiet little corner of the world, that is mine to do with as I please.

But, I guess, how did I get here and where am I going are two of the most common questions that people ask themselves. I guess I know how I got here, I followed out the girl I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Things were going great, or at least I deluded myself into thinking that, and then things were over. Now I'm sitting here at 5am, 3 hours left of work to go, bitching about my life and wondering where it's going to next.

Well, I just can't get that far ahead of myself. Friday night, who knows, maybe kc will come over for dinner, maybe not. Saturday, share a gift volunteer thing, then party at my house (well, hopefully more than 1 person shows up, that would actually make it a party). Sunday, maybe I'll have TV by then, if not, have to find a bar to watch the football game at. Monday, work on unpacking my house some more. That's about as far ahead as I can go. If I go too much further I start sweating and freaking out. Guess these are emotions I should be paying attention to. I'm just staying in the present and trying to make the most of it.

Slow...progress?

I don't know if it's progress or not, I still haven't been able to get out what I need to say. Though, I have spent most of the time sleeping. kc wanted to have dinner Monday night, actually initiated something so that was nice. She came over and we fell asleep watching a movie, woke up, I made dinner, and we started rewatching the movie while we were eating. I'm not sure if awkward is the right word, it wasn't quite that bad, it just felt a little off when she first got there. But then we snuggled and took a nap and that was nice.

Then I had to leave for work. She asked if she could study at my house since it's quiet (s has woken her up twice in the past week playing the drums...see, I'm not the only one annoyed by it) so I said sure. Didn't know if she'd actually still be there when I got home from work in the morning but she was, passed out on the couch no less. I crawled into my bed and she came and laid with me for a few hours. Then I just slept on the couch all day while she studied and watched movies.

So, there just wasn't any real time for the talk that so desperately needs to happen. I need to tell her about the emotional realization I had the other week, I need to tell her that I need for it to be okay to actually express emotions, happy or mad or whatever, that because I'm basically emotionally handicapped due to my incredibly fucked up childhood, that she's just going to have to be patient. I need to tell her that she has some serious double standards when it comes to things, such as dropping an L bomb, defining a relationship, hanging out with her friends or my friends. I just need to be able to unload all the shit that is sitting on my shoulders right now.

Maybe she'll actually want to have dinner on Friday night. No distractions from school or me having to go to work, no excuses, nothing, about why I can't say what I need to say. Well, either that or Sunday, because I'm sure in her mind there would be less of a chance of having me around all weekend. Whatever, I have plans for Saturday anyway. At least the rugby girls can make plans in advance and stick to them. Going to do some charity/volunteer work, which is good. I usually try to do something each year, volunteer, pick a kid from an angel tree, something of that nature. And then some of the girls may come hang out at my new place and have some drinks with me so that will be fun. Maybe we can bust out the board games or watch a movie or something. Whatever, I always have fun with them.

I don't want to keep eating what I'm feeling with kc, I've been sick for the last 2 days...although at least I lost the weight I put on when I went home to visit my family. Although, my dad did ask me if I was eating and if I was if I was throwing it up. Relax folks, I am just eating better and working out. No crap food, sweets (well, alright, I do have a pint of Ben & Jerry's in my freezer, but you need a treat every now and again), tons of candy, fried crap. None of the crap that I ate with the ex, and none of the need to keep up eating with her (damn she could eat!), and no emotional eating.

I work on relaxation techniques, make lame attempts at yoga, oh, and play some rugby when I get the chance. And at least it's snowboarding season since rugby isn't in season right now. So yes, getting in a bit of exercise too. Way more than just going home every night, sitting on my ass, eating dinner, and then falling asleep unsatisfied (yet again) with the ex. So, while the relationship part of my life (yeah, that's right, I'm going to keep saying relationship because, well, fuck, that's what it is) may not be where I want it, at least I'm taking care of me and doing things for myself to keep myself happy, relatively sane, and healthy.

Well, since she did invite herself over for dinner on Monday night maybe I'll just see if she wants to do dinner Friday (though I'll make sure to tell her I have plans on Saturday so she won't think I'll be spending all weekend with her, which I don't want to do anyway). And I've at least calmed down enough to make it a public dinner if she's up for it, or maybe she can bring over some food to cook. Hmm...maybe she can cook. I'm not such a big fan of it, it's a long process for me, I'm not that creative so I have to plan everything out thoroughly with lists and lists of details and organizational schemes. Or maybe I'll just ask if she wants to do dinner this weekend sometime, except Saturday since I have plans. Whatever, I'll figure it out.

WTF?

Seriously, I don't get her at all. She is Polly from that movie Along Came Polly. Last week she's all back to herself and sending naughty texts and pics and that whole e-mail thing with the love at the end. Today, she cancels our date for Friday because she doesn't want to have a girlfriend or commitments or a relationship, but she still wants to date casually.

What the fuck? Did I step into relationship hell here? She called me her girlfriend at rugby prom, and then says that I expect too much of a time commitment from her. Why, because I said I wanted some alone time? Again? Shouldn't she want to spend some fucking time with me? We are always hanging out with other people, maybe she doesn't consider s and h other people since they live with her, but I still do. She bailed on hanging out before because she said we spent too much time together the weekend before. Well great, that's why I made plans for this weekend. Not to mention that I was with my family all this weekend so didn't see me this weekend either. That's why I asked her for a date Friday night, because I have other shit to do this weekend. I know that I can't spend the whole fucking weekend with her, but seriously, what the fuck is wrong with wanting to spend one damn night?

And then she gets in again with the not opening up and not getting into her head and not letting her into my head crap. Well, sorry, we are opposites on that. I thought I explained it to her pretty clearly before. She wants all of the trust and bonding and stuff before she can be in a relationship, well, I can't do all that until I'm in one. Maybe it would have been different if we had been just friends when we met instead of jumping into something, but that didn't happen and I can't erase it either.

Well, congratufuckinglations for making me cry yet again. Well, almost, I'm at work and having to choke it fucking back right now, but clearly from my excessive use of the word fuck I'm feeling a little distraught right now.

I mean, last week she sends me an e-mail saying she'd love to have a date and can it be on a day that ends with us in bed and not me going to work. Then she wants the dirty texts and pics while she is in Las Vegas. And then...she has barely talked to me in the last 2 days. What the fuck happened? Yeah, sorry I ever even put that stupid in a relationship thing up on my profile, apparently that was a HUGE mistake. But what the fuck? Did something happen before then? I didn't send any bad drunk texts, I read them all the next day and they didn't seem that bad. I mean, one of them said I missed her, god, hopefully that didn't cause her to freak out, she flipped enough with the relationship thing.

I told her that well, I mean, she put that love thing at the end of her e-mail. And she has the nerve to write back and say that that pretty much doesn't mean anything. Well then why the hell did you put it out there in the first place? Don't put that out there and then not expect me to not fucking notice or think anything about it! How in the hell can she expect me to get comfortable and open with her when she is so back and forth about things?

Hopefully she will actually want to see me sometime then because having all of this kind of conversation over text messaging is fucking impossible not to mention that trying to fit everything into a condensed version is just not working for me. And since now the conversation is obviously going to take the direction of me getting hopefully not hysterical but most likely upset then it's probably not a dinner conversation, or at least a public dinner conversation. I hate crying in public and seeing that I cry pretty fucking easily this talk better happen at my house.

Why in the hell did I have to fall so fucking hard for this girl? I didn't feel nearly as torn when the ex and I had problems, maybe that's because our relationship ran its course, everything that was going to come from it happened. I feel like it is so open ended right now with kc that if things did end there would be a lot of unfinished business. Maybe there wouldn't be, I felt that way with the ex-ex, but then I realized that that was not the case. But I can't help but feel that whatever we can and do have together isn't finished, at least I feel like I haven't gotten everything out of it that I can, maybe she feels differently. Maybe I'll find out, maybe I'll never know.

Huh?

Did I read that right? Are my eyes just swimming on the page because I'm tired? Nope, sure aren't. Yeah, okay, I know I should be happy about this because well, it is what I wanted, what I want, but why is it scary as well? Wondering what I'm talking about? Sorry, I've been all over the place about it since I saw it.

I sent kc an e-mail yesterday asking her if she wanted to go on a date next week when I got back from my trip. I hadn't really expected a response, she's not the best at responding to questions and e-mails. Anyway, she responded, and then closed out the e-mail with a love, k. So yeah, it definitely caught me off guard.

For all my hemming and hawing and indecisiveness about should I say anything, and then that drunken incident, and then I haven't really said anything about it since then...she signs off an e-mail with love? Maybe she's just testing the waters. Maybe she's been impatient because I haven't said or even come close to saying those 3 little words since the drunk night at rugby prom...and that was a couple weeks ago. Maybe she thought that I only said it because I was drunk and was wondering if I would say it again sober to her.

Well, sorry, I just hadn't been feeling it with your we spent too much time together text and it's not that she wasn't affectionate all weekend, it's just she didn't respond to any of my overtures. Now, not feeling completely sure of myself, why in the hell would I say "it"? Exactly, didn't think so.

But now...now she goes and puts it out there. Maybe she is waiting for me to say it. And to throw some more shit out there, she's in Vegas this weekend visiting a friend and suddenly she's horny? She wants dirty texts and pics? Well, hopefully this means she'll want to jump me when I get home, considering her message said that she hoped our date would end with us in bed, not me having to go to work. Uh yeah, if you can wait that long! I mean, I'm certainly not going to tell her no if she wants to come over some evening before I have to go to work, otherwise she's just going to have to wait until next Friday when we go on our date.

But back to my dilemma, well, not dilemma, situation I guess. It's not like it's a bad thing, and I don't even think shocking is the right word, maybe surprising. I don't know how the switch got flipped inside of her. She goes from telling me she could see herself there to there already? I mean, she knows I'm there, well, she has to from my hysterical episode the other weekend. But, for all I can remember, I posed it as a question (what if I said...), not a statement.

Okay, I can't get all deep thinking and involved in this. She put it out there, and if I'm feeling it, I'll just tell her. Oh who the fuck am I kidding, I'll probably tell her, yes, only if I'm feeling it, but come on, it's right there just waiting to be brought to the surface. I'm sure it's incredibly obvious to her and she's wondering why the fuck I haven't said anything to her since the debacle.

Epiphany

I had one while I was running errands this morning. I realized that the reason I can't express emotion or feelings, happy or sad, is because I never really learned how. And what I saw growing up was that bad things happen when you express anything, belt comes out, someone makes fun of you. I remember being told to grow up because I was crying during a movie (Where the Red Fern Grows, that was fucking sad when the dog died). And that pretty much cemented in me that showing emotion led to bad things.

My mom expressed some emotion, actually took a stand, and it almost got her killed. Not exactly the best thing to have your kids see. From then on it's been a struggle and a strain for me to express anything. My sister can only express emotion when she's been drinking. At least I haven't gone down that road. Unfortunately I've gone down the silent and withdrawl road. Not a good one either, at least I can't get into too much trouble for it, it just becomes a problem in relationships.

I realized that I have avoided arguments and fighting with someone I am with because I am scared. I have slowly learned to express happiness, delight, thanks, although with kc I'm still a little hesitant with words of stronger emotion. As far as I can remember, I have never actually had a "real" fight with anyone I was with. I tend to eat my emotions, stuff them inside, make myself sick with it (hence why I have the digestive problems). If pushed I will hesitantly bring something up, and then I will severely downplay how I'm actually feeling in order to not cause a rift.

Maybe it's because deep down I am scared to be alone. I don't want to be alone. I do things alone to force myself to come to terms with the fact that it's okay to be alone, nothing bad happens to me when I'm alone. But still, I enjoy companionship. I enjoy being in a loving relationship, but my insecurities and fears start coming out when things start getting serious. I delude myself into thinking that if we don't argue or fight then there is nothing wrong with the relationship. That's fucked up.

Everyone fights and disagrees. I think the reason I'm scared to fight is because I'm afraid of the other persons reaction. At least when I argue with my sister or my dad, I know they can't stay mad forever, and they can't disappear out of my life forever, they're my family, they won't get violent with me. But what about the person I'm in a relationship with? They can disappear out of my life for as long as they want, thus leaving me alone, though at least I know kc would never get violent.

If no one disagreed then the world would be a boring place. It's finding that balance between disagreeing and harmful. Wars don't get started for no reason. It's because the balance between accepting that you don't agree and realizing that it's not the end of the world is needed for that to happen. I have at least slowly (albeit rather timidly) told kc about things I don't like. One afternoon she put on Conan the Barbarian, and then asked if I liked the movie (she said it was one of her childhood favorites), I said not really. When she made me breakfast that made me ill, I told her it was probably the soggy bacon, I don't like soggy bacon. She would tease me and call me a hillbilly because I'm from NH (although the fact that she grew up on a farm doesn't seem to factor into anything since she says since it was in CA it didn't matter). I told her that I really don't like it, she listened and stopped saying it. I know she wasn't doing it to be mean, she has never been mean on purpose, just teasing, but at least she stopped saying it.

Hopefully she will let me practice with her. I need a safe place to practice. If she does something that I don't like, I need to know that she isn't going to freak out, yell, throw things, punch walls, nothing. If she needs to walk away and come back later then fine. But I need to have the safety of knowing that she isn't going to disappear forever just because she pissed me off and I told her. Although, I actually think she would be slightly relieved, shocked at first, but slightly relieved, that I am finally comfortable enough with her to be able to express myself.

And I think that she would understand where I'm coming from. She knows about my history, what happened to me growing up (well, most of it, most of what I can remember), knows that I'm extremely fragile in that area. She knows that I have a tendency to become silent and withdraw. I can't keep eating those feelings though, I have to learn to express emotion, positive or negative, as I'm feeling it, and not spend so much time overanalyzing how I'm feeling for days after something happens.

I used to loathe self-reflection, because it would make me deal with things I didn't want to think about. But kc is all about making sure that you are whole and balanced, it appears to be rubbing off on me. Or it's because I realized that all of my relationships will fail unless I deal with it, and I would really like to spend some time with her, I don't want our relationship to fail for reasons that my others failed. If our relationship fails I want it to be because of something other than the demons inside me. I would like to exorcise those demons and have a happy heart, a truly happy heart. It would appear that she would like to spend a significant amount of time with me too since she hasn't bailed yet. And she has had countless opportunities to bail. But, maybe she sees in me the parts beyond the damaged ones, the parts that are healing and growing and taking over the damaged ones. Maybe I wasn't ready to show those parts to anyone until now because they were still small and fragile.

I suppose at least that it is progess in myself that I am now realizing these things. Implementing them is a whole other thing, but at least I think, when I tell kc, she'll at least be receptive to this, and possibly even happy to help me. And I'm confident that she will be okay with the guidelines, the no yelling, screaming, thowing things, sort of stuff.

Neediness

I don't really think I am that needy, I mean, I don't think that I ask for that much, but maybe I do. Maybe I just don't talk to her enough about it. Maybe I just don't tell her what I want and need and that is why I feel such a need for something. I can't put my finger on it.

I really like it when she is affectionate with me and then I feel hurt when she isn't. But is it reasonable for me think that she will always want to be that way? Especially when I've spent a couple days in a row with her? I invited her over for dinner on Monday night and she said no because she thought we spent way too much time together this past weekend. Looking back maybe it was too much time, especially considering she didn't respond to anything I did.

I do and I don't understand her. She comes over last week with dinner and a movie and we have some nice sex. Then we snuggle and watch football on Thanksgiving so why wouldn't I think that Friday night or Saturday morning we would be able to do that again? Maybe I'm equating too much with sex. It just worries me when she doesn't want it because she always told me that if she stopped wanting sex that is when I should be worried, that historically when she stopped wanting sex in her past relationships it was because she wanted to break up with them.

But then she tells me that she wants to spend time with me, and she loves to snuggle with me, and she told me that I shouldn't be worried about what she said about not wanting to have dinner with me because we spent too much time together. I really don't fucking understand her. She says she can sense when I'm not balanced, well she's not helping the fucking situation here.

At least I get to get out of town this weekend. I get to go spend 4 days with my family, not always the most pleasant of times since my sister and my father are always fighting, usually about my stepmom or my stepsister. And then I get dragged into the middle of it, wanting me to pick sides between the two of them, making me feel like I have to play mediator. I'm not a damn mediator and it's not my problem, I hate that they always try to make me get inbetween all of them. Don't they realize this is why I moved across the country?

I'm not sure why my sister still gets surprised at some of the things our dad does. She should know by now that our stepmom pulls the strings and wears the pants. I also have to deal with my mom and stepdad. Mom is fine, she's about the only one I can talk to about stuff, well, some stuff, not all of it. She's also the reason I have some of the issues I do. Well, all of them are the reason I have some issues. Mom never had a backbone, never stood up for herself, and when she did it almost got her killed. I grew up in a house where kids shouldn't be seen or heard.

No wonder I can't fucking express myself or express anger or any other emotion. What would the consequences be? How would kc react if I said she made me mad or upset me? I mean, I'm sure she would probably actually be really excited, she was that night when I told her it really bothered me that she was so upset that ho slept with ha. Maybe that's what she's waiting for, me to not clam up when I get upset, to actually speak about it, let it go, get it all out there.

Gotta love parents. The first time I told my dad he was an asshole he actually smiled. He was so excited that I had actually expressed a negative emotion he forgot completely why it was I called him one. I guess I just need to let go of the fear about what will happen and just say what's on my mind instead of eating it and letting it eat me up inside. Fear, fuck fear, I hate it, it sucks, and it has trapped me for a long time. I just need to not care about what happens if I do say something, not worry so damn much about things. That's so fucking hard though. I mean, I don't think anything drastic would happen, so why can't I just do it? I guess the only thing I can do is try it, learn to recognize it, and then do something about it.

Butterflies...

I have come to realize that those 3 little words don't actually need to come out of my mouth, kc already knows it. I'm not really sure what I said that night after rugby prom that made her get back to who she was with me, but whatever it was, it worked.

She has been all snuggly and affectionate and attentive when we spend time together. Which is a nice change from her almost ignoring me and then not being her usual self when she is with me. We went for a hike on Sunday, that was a good time, good talking. Then Sunday night she helped me pack up stuff in my room and load it into her truck and my car and then I went and slept at her house on Sunday night. Monday I closed on my condo (so fucking happy!) and she helped me move in and make another ride up to my storage unit to get stuff. She didn't bitch at all about getting stuck in rush hour traffic, only a little bit that she was hungry (she gets cranky when she gets hungry like I get cranky when I get tired, guess it's fair). I made her delicious dinner after I went to the grocery store and then we went to bed early. We were both pretty wiped. I definitely could have had some seriously sleepy sex, but we both passed out before that could happen.

Then today we woke up, I made some waffles and stuff for breakfast and we hung out for a bit. But I had to get unpacking and she had stuff she had to do. And then my toilet got clogged, so sad, my first full day in my place and something breaks already. Had to go to Home Depot and buy a plunger, and then I couldn't get it to work, apparently I don't have the right technique. So kc came over and fixed it for me and then we watched a movie, well, started to watch a movie, and then she wanted to have sex!! Yes, finally, back into the swing of things.

I love having sex with that girl. So much so in fact that I almost blurted out those 3 little words. But that's when I realized that it doesn't matter, she knows that I love her, whether or not I actually say it out loud. Watching the movie, having sex, and then cooking dinner of course made me a little late for work. No nap either so I'm tired as all hell, hopefully this means I'll sleep good today. It's snowing out, so the sun won't be shining in on me. I get to stop and get stuff from my storage unit in the morning, buy some soap, and get a new phone (mine broke on me this weekend, not exactly sure how since it was fine one minute and then the top was coming off the next) so hopefully I'll miss traffic on my ride home. My commute just went from 15 minutes to 45 minutes, but I love my new place so it's definitely worth it.

I'm so happy that things are going well. It's such a nice feeling, and I'm going to maintain it. I just need to stay relaxed and enjoy life and what is happening at this moment.

Working out

So, yes, relaxing and calming my brain down and not overthinking actually do work well for me. Yes, I do think that part of my problem was that we were spending way too much time together. So even though she isn't going out of town this weekend, I'm still going to plan on doing my stuff that I was going to do tonight and tomorrow. And no, I'm not going to invite her. I don't think she would come anyway.

However, I did get an e-mail asking if I wanted to go hiking with her. Usually it's me that is throwing out ideas of stuff to do since she usually has her calendar booked, but she actually wanted to make plans with me, for Saturday and Sunday. Guess this means I can stop worrying about how she feels about me since she wants to make plans with me. I told her I was busy on Saturday but that we could go hiking on Sunday. And at least her being home means that I can rope her into helping me move on Monday after I close on my condo. And maybe, just maybe, she'll actually want to have sex with me. Damn I hope so.

This is shaping up to be a good weekend, hopefully the weather works in my favor. I get to go watch girls beat each other up on rollerskates with j & t tonight, workout with s & g Saturday morning then carpool up to go tailgating with the rugby girls and hang with bfd. Probably stay up there Saturday night so we can get our drink on. Sunday go for a hike with kc, pack some shit into my car so I can move on Monday, Monday close on my condo and move in (so fucking excited!), have Monday night off from work so I can spend the first night in my house (hopefully break it in that night too!), then Tuesday unpack and maybe go for another hike with kc.

And it's all stuff I want to do. And I started looking at plane tickets so I can go visit bfr! It would be my first time travelling internationally by myself (2nd time ever in my life), but I'm sure I can handle it. Plus I haven't seen her in 2 years (I know, I can't believe it's been that long)! No time like the present though to do the stuff I've been wanting to do for a long time.

Ack...

Why, when I should be feeling really excited about my life right now, do I not? I just need to relax and not overthink things like I normally do, not overanalyze every little thing that happens.

Let's see...I got a call from my lendor yesterday and she said that all the financing went through, there was no problem or issue with my job, so I am officially approved for the loan on my condo. Now I just have to wait for the appraisal to be done, which I believe is happening tomorrow. If the appraisal goes through and nothing is too different, then the place is mine since the seller made me lock into the agreement when I made him put a new furnace in. This should be incredibly satisfying, and it is, so why is my mood so melancholy?

Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping. I am really starting to hate this shift, not the people, the people are much better than my other shift, it's just the hours. The hours are fucking with me so bad. And then I get home and the dogs bark all throughout the day, and that keeps me awake. I've been trying to go work out in the mornings to see if that will help me sleep better, but so far it just keeps me awake longer. Which will be a good thing I guess once I am having to commute to work, I'll miss the traffic and I'll be awake for the 45 minute drive. And there won't be any dogs barking.

These things should be making me happy and excited, and if I could just get a good days sleep then I would be fucking great. Hopefully this move works out for me. I'm going to go buy some blackout curtains on Tuesday, and some shelves for my sitting room so I can get some plants, and hopefully with the blackout curtains and some ear plugs I'll be able to sleep like a baby. It's not really outside noise, I think the condo keeps most of that out, it's the dogs barking inside. I can't get past those fucking dogs, oh, and the TV. I'm not sure if they realize it, but that TV is fucking LOUD! And it's upstairs, and no matter how low they turn the volume, it's still really loud. Or I just have really good hearing. Either way it wakes me up.

I can't wait to move, I really can't. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate everything that they have done for me, opening up their home to me in my time of need, not charging me rent, not complaining about my crazy hours and sometimes crazy company, not complaining about anything at all. I only hope that I can help someone out like that someday if I am on the other end of that situation. It's just time for me to move on. I am in a much better place mentally, physically, financially, and almost emotionally. Although, I think the only thing that will help me emotionally is a good fuck from kc.

I'd go down there Friday morning after work but she's going out of town I think, or maybe she changed her mind, she doesn't really tell me these things. Still going to hang out with j on Friday night and watch the roller derby. I mean, we all know how much I love tackling chicks, so watching chicks knock each other around on skates should be pretty good entertainment. Bummer is that if kc is out of town I have to drive all the way back up to my house. Which, at least after this weekend, won't be so far away.

I think I am really excited, it's just my sleep deprivation is clouding my ability to have any sort of emotional outburst until it is too late and then it all comes out at once in a flurry of drunk talk. I was just not fully prepared for this. The last time I worked the graveyard shift in college it wasn't that bad, the only person who really saw me was my mom and she understood. kc understands, but she still wants me to be who I am when I've had a good night of great sleep. And here's where the fuck comes in, that helps me sleep. Really well. And it helps me relax, which I need.

If kc goes out of town this weekend she is going to get me some stuff to help me relax and whatnot. I guess that's good, I need it. I'm not sure how I feel about her feeling that I should be medicated though, although I have been medicated in the past, so it's nothing new to me. I just need to find a new job and get back to the day shift. My life was so much more in control, I mean, sure, there were nights when I would only get 4-5 hours of sleep, but for some reason, emotionally, I just felt a lot better than I do right now. And I know it has to do with me working on this shift.

Maybe if I relax I won't overthink things with kc either. I mean, she said she can see herself spending a long time with me. So why do I feel the need to keep thinking about things? I mean, at least she texted me first today, but that was probably because I slept until 8:30pm this evening. I was awake when I heard my phone beep, but I was just laying there because I didn't want to get out of bed, I was so warm and toasty. Side note: my new pillow is fucking wondeful, my neck doesn't hurt when I wake up so that is something to be happy about! Although, she only talked to me for a little bit. I figure she passed out on her couch...again...what a shock. At least I don't really have to worry about her cheating on me, she barely leaves her house. I know she would never do that anyway, she has made that mistake in the past and saw what it did to her girlfriend, plus she knows that I have been cheated on and I've told her what it did to me.

I need a vacation. For sure. I need to take a few days, go somewhere, clear my head, catch up on my sleep, relax, and be comfortable. That's what it took for me last time to get my shit together, a week with my aunts. I can't afford to take a week off from work, which is a huge bummer, but I need to get my ass out across the pond to vist BFr. I need to work on that now. I have enough money in savings to cover a trip so why haven't I done it yet? I need to do what I wanted to do and go out there for New Years, or sometime before school starts in January because after that I won't have much time. That's it, I need to book that trip.

Oopsie...or maybe not

This is why I didn't want to be getting drunk in front of her. Oh well, can't take back what I said, unfortunate thing is I can't quite recall all of what I said because I said it in a flurry of tears, anger, confusion, and a whole host of other things brought on by PMS and a large intake of beer.

So kc said that she bailed on me on Friday night for the movie because she wanted to have some space to hang out with her friends and stuff and she really wasn't in the mood to watch a movie. Fine, but if she didn't want to go see the movie she should have just said so in the first place, I wouldn't have bought the ticket for her. I still would have gone myself because I really like getting the free passes, but it wouldn't have been a big deal to me. However, instead, she got incredibly wasted and showed up Saturday night still having a hangover.

I told her that we were at the bar getting margaritas and beers and she just kept texting me saying she didn't want to go there and not explaining herself. Finally she called me because she was tired of texting and then at least explained that she had a hangover. WTF? Bummer for you but if you had a little self control then you wouldn't. Not to mention the fact that because of the hangover she was antisocial and not really all that fun to be around.

Which is completely ironic and hypocritical on her part because whenever she wants me to do something with her friends she expects me to be completely social and charming and if I'm not then she thinks that there is something wrong with me, that I'm not being myself. Sorry, but we all have days where we're not feeling that social. It just seems as if she wants me to be social and hang out with her friends, but when she doesn't want to hang out with mine she says it's because she wants me to be able to spend alone time with them and do my own thing. Of course I'm going to do my own thing, but when I invite her it's also because they have invited her and want her there to hang out.

Oh well, back to the drunk part. Although first, I thought that I looked pretty fucking good on Saturday night. Everyone paid me some very nice compliments, including my ex. However, all I got from kc was that I looked good, with hardly any emotion involved at all. Not exactly the reason that I bought the dress in the first place.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, getting drunk. So pretty much in my head I was annoyed at her right from the beginning, everyone kept asking where she was and I had to tell them she's always late, and then I had to explain that she was sitting in the parking lot at the party because she didn't want to go to the bar beforehand because she had a hangover. Fine, whatever. But at least attempt to fake some fucking social skills. I'm not sure why she thinks that her being around inhibits me, I don't think that I act any different around her than I do anyone else. Or maybe I do, or maybe she just perceives that I do. And, please, spare my feelings and lie and tell me you had a good time, but when you bitch to your roommates about it make sure I'm not around.

Okay, back to the drunkenness. So I was kind of annoyed, I got over it. I just kept drinking. Then we get back to my place afterward and I brush my teeth and get ready for bed and attempt to kiss her and she just throws me off of her. To which I start hysterically crying, I mean, what the fuck? She says it's because I haven't been myself lately, to which I replied that yes I had, who did she think was with her tonight?

So then we got into a discussion, well, I'm not sure you could call it a discussion, considering I was sobbing on her shoulder. And then it all got laid out on the table. At least I think it did. I recall me asking her what I did that made her happy (yes she does enjoy me calling her sunshine, and she likes my e-mails and texts) to which I asked why didn't she think that her doing those things for me wouldn't make me happy? I told her that it had made me feel worthless that she couldn't even be bothered to write me a stupid e-mail since she wouldn't call me to explain about Friday night. She said that it was because she hadn't had hardly any time on the computer (which is plausible I guess since h and s are always on it), that she didn't have time to do anything she likes, including reading my bulletin surveys and stupid shit.

Then she brought up the me being scared of her thing, I told her I wasn't scared of her. I was scared of how I felt about her because I knew that she didn't feel the same way. She asked how I knew she didn't feel that way and I told her it was because of little things she would say or do. Then she said that that wasn't true, she said she could see herself being with me for a very long time, but that because of the other weekend when I was a "different person" that she wasn't attracted to she didn't know. She said it was a huge bummer because she really did want to spend a length of time with me.

And then...I asked her how she would feel if I told her I loved her. Yup, sure did put that out there. For as much as I haven't wanted to, have been scared to, it sure did come out while I was drunk and hysterically crying on her shoulder. She said that she could see herself having those feelings for me to, as long as I don't go into this other personality that she doesn't like. OH FUCK, some of this conversation is coming back to me now as I write it down. She said that I shouldn't be scared to express my feelings to her. I am pretty sure though, that an actual I love you didn't come out of my mouth, because I think that at least my subconscious was taking over to help my inebraited state, because frankly, if I'm going to say that to her it's not going to be when I'm drunk, at least not the first time.

I'm pretty sure that is where the conversation took a turn. I'm not sure which direction it turned in, but I think it was a good one considering the rest of the weekend, and the rest of the conversation. She said that she isn't a really romantic person and doesn't feel the need to verbally express it, that she's not going to sit there and express her undying love and devotion to me, but that she does it in other ways, more physical ways and emotional ways. It's kind of sad that she isn't that romantic, because I am, though the only romantic I was ever with was the ex ex. But I guess at least I know where she stands. And hopefully she is back to feeling like she could spend a long time with me and that she is going to let the deeper feelings continue to develop since she said they were on their way there. And hopefully that will make her want to fuck me again because this whole not having sex thing really fucking blows.

I think I passed out sometime right after this part, at least I hope I did, because I can't recall a fucking thing that was really said after that. Although, I do remember her saying she wanted to have that conversation again when I was sober to see if my responses were the same (though we haven't yet). However, the next morning we snuggled in bed until around noon, which we haven't done in a long time. We went and got breakfast together, conversation was good, atmosphere was relaxing. I went down to her house afterward. She had to work on some stuff for school and I did some GRE studying (which I need to do a lot more of). Then we snuggled on the couch and watched football.

We haven't really done a lot of snuggling lately, and she hasn't been very affectionate, however after Saturday's conversation, both things have been happening. This is why I think the conversation took our relationship for a turn for the better instead of a turn for the worse (oh yeah, another thing I pointed out to her, Saturday night was the first time she actually referred to herself as my girlfriend, with me standing there, yeah, the first time I've heard the words come out of her mouth, which is another reason I told her that I had no idea how she felt about me).

And I was having really bad cramps (at least PMS is fucking over) on Sunday night and she was being very attentive and nice, getting me aspirin, cuddling on the couch with me, getting me dinner and refilling my water glass. She even wanted to go upstairs and go to bed after the movie was over, and normally she is content to fall asleep on the couch, whereas I like to go upstairs to the bedroom.

Then today she woke up early (well, she set her alarm early), we laid in bed before she had to go to class. I got up and studied some more GRE stuff while she was at school. She came back and had some stuff she had to do, made me some breakfast which gave me a horrible stomach ache that made me want to vomit. I laid on the couch all afternoon, she kept coming in to check on me, at one point we walked to the store so she could get me a 7-Up to make my stomach feel better (pretty sure it was the turkey bacon that she swears was pre-cooked, it's not that I don't believe her, I just told her that I prefer mine crunchy not soggy, hey, at least I was honest). And we got to snuggle and watch Monday Night Football. Well, yeah, I fell asleep as usual, but I fell asleep on her lap while she rubbed my back and my head.

And she made out with me when she walked me to my car before I had to drive to work. So I think that things are getting back on track. She is probably going out of town this weekend which will be good, we both need the space. I just really want her to come back on Monday so she can spend my first night in my new place with me. If all goes according to plan I close on my condo on Monday, which I guess means I won't be able to sleep with her until the following weekend, oh well, maybe she'll at least come over when she gets back. And at least I already have plans. Huge bummer I'm not already in my place though because some of those plans involve being in the city, at least Friday night, then doing stuff with the rugby girls and visiting my best friend on Saturday.

So it's all good, wasn't really going to spend the weekend with her. And then in 2 weeksI fly out of town to visit my family. So maybe this is the separation that we need to get our relationship back to where it was before I started freaking out about dropping an L bomb. And, if I love you does happen to pop out of my mouth at some point, then at least I know she's not going to run screaming in the other direction.

Trying not to be pissed

I'm trying really hard, and more I think about it, the more I dwell on it, and the more I start stewing about it. kc was supposed to call me today and explain why she was bailing on me tonight for the movie. I mean, I'm pretty sure she should be giving me an explanation as to why she is bailing since I've had this planned for the last month and am really looking forward to the movie. So I texted her today and said that I was awake, call whenever. She said she wasn't going to call me, so I told her she could just e-mail her reasoning then. She said she was going to last night but she fell asleep on the couch, but she can send me one today.

Now, call me crazy, but I would take that to believe that she would be sending me one. That was at 10pm when I first got to work. I text-talked to her at 1am, she was sitting on the couch watching Scarface. So what, you can't get up for 5 minutes and compose an e-mail to me that explains something that is kind of important to me? Unless it's just a really dumb reason as to why she is bailing and she's avoiding the conversation, but for real, I told her I wasn't pissed, I was bummed but I'd get over it. So why can't she just take a few minutes to make some kind of effort to contact me.

It makes me feel like I am just not worth it to her. Like I don't even merit getting off her ass for a couple minutes to compose an e-mail, let alone actually dial the numbers to physically talk to me. I mean, am I worth it to her? I don't think that I am an overly expectant person, but I would like a little follow through. If you say you're going to call me then call me, if you say you're going to send me an e-mail then fucking write the damn message.

WTF? I mean, I try to do little things for her that I think make her happy, at least I know that if she did those things for me then that would make me happy. I send her cute little messages, pictures, e-mails, sometimes even just to say hi and that I'm thinking of her. Does she not think that I would like those things?

I wonder if she actually thinks about what she does that brings a smile to my face. Or does she just do things because she feels like she has to? I don't want her to do them out of obligation, I want her to do them because she genuinely wants to make me happy.

Okay, I just need to send her a text to tell her to call me, not attempt a text-a-thon all morning or afternoon. Just tell her that I'm sure I'm making a mountain out of a molehill since that's what I usually do and that if she just calls me and talks to me then I will feel a lot better. I don't want to go into this weekend being upset with her and not talking to her about it, that would just be no fun, because then I'm sure my subconcious will do the talking that my conscious can't and that's no good. My subconscious can be kinda mean when I'm upset. And if I'm gonna cry (because well frankly I'm sure I will, at least this time I know it's PMS) then I may as well get it out this afternoon before I go to the movies and certainly before we go to the rugby prom.

Ditched

Bummer, I had most of the weekend figured out, well, pretty much all of it, at least what we were doing at night, and she bails on me. Well, she only bailed on Friday night, and she better have a pretty fucking good reason why since I already bought tickets for the event. I'll find out tomorrow what that reason is, she said it was complicated and it had to be a conversation not a text fest which is fine by me, trying to relay a story using only 150 characters is pretty fucking impossible.

At least I told her I was pretty bummed about it. I mean, I'll get over it, but still bummed nontheless. The good thing about getting out and meeting people and making friends though is that I at least can send out an e-mail to the rugby team and I'm sure that someone will want it, if not I've got other friends I could call, although one of them is already coming with me. Anyway, I'm not going to let it ruin my night, I'll still have a kick ass Friday night, and maybe it'll be a good thing since I think that we've been spending a little too much time together anyway.

And she didn't bail for Saturday night. For some reason she hates proms and dances and such, but this is really just like one of our drink-ups, just dressed up. Maybe I should tell her about my prom experiences from high school. Let's see, my junior prom my girlfriend wouldn't go with me for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which was we'd be the only lesbian couple there, so I ended up going with a group of friends, and yes, I was the only one without a date. It wasn't too bad, found a couple other single girls and made the best of it. My senior prom was a little different. By then I had been outed to the entire high school so now my girlfriend REALLY wouldn't go with me. I had no group of friends to go with because they all bailed once I got outed. I drove there by myself, walked in alone, and have no pictures of the evening at all. My sister's boyfriend bought me a corsage because he wanted to be nice, and it was nice. I spent the evening hanging near my little sister and her circle of friends and ended up going to an after party with them where one of the guys tried to feel me up in the back of his car. Not exactly the most memorable experience.

But then I got to college and started playing rugby. Rugby parties were always fun. Even our formals were fun. And no one cared that my date was a girl, even though I was the only one bringing a girl for a date. We all got dressed up, drunk, and danced the night away. I know that kc isn't really a big dancer, that's fine, she has watched me dance before. I just know that my experiences with rugby parties have been much more enjoyable and memorable than any high school prom I ever went to.

So hopefully she can have a good time and relax and enjoy it. She knows that us rugby girls are a crazy lot and the guys are even crazier. It will be a really fun evening. And since she hates these sort of things I'm really not going to get my hopes up for anything, although maybe she'll bring flowers since she did bial on me for Friday night. Anyway, not going to dwell on it. Just going to make the best of both nights and have a really good time.

I'm there but not all there

I was woken up by my realtor this afternoon saying that the person who owned the place had countered, told me what it was, and asked if I was okay with it. Yeah, fine, just dandy. However, does no one pay attention when you tell them that you work the night shift? Of course I don't sound excited when you talk to me, I've just been woken up out of a deep sleep, how would you feel if I called you at 3am and wanted to talk?

Anyway, I signed the counter offer and I'm officially under contract on this place and plan on closing in 2 weeks. Is anyone else out there freaked out? Me too! It's exciting though and I'm really looking forward to having my own space. I think that kc is looking forward to it as well, especially because it will be closer to her house so I don't have to listen to her bitch about driving to mine all the time. Plus, we can do whatever we want and not have to worry about anyone walking in on us.

Not to mention that apparently gs is going to be sleeping on her couch starting in February when his girlfriend moves to California. He is going to eventually move out there with her, but not until late spring/early summer. That is a long fucking time. I'm definitely going to be wanting to spend more time at my house, I mean, 4 people living in that house? It's big enough but still, sometimes it seems crowded with just the 3 girls living there, throw in a guy to the mix and who knows what will happen. At least none of them will be sleeping together since all the girls are lesbians and he has a girlfriend.

So I'm doing pretty well mentally. Working out is helping as well, I'm so happy that sr and lg want to go work out at night during the week. I'm also really glad that they are motivated to go, so we kind of motivate each other which is key for me. I guess now the only thing that is on my mind with kc is that sa keeps talking about some trip to Hawaii this winter. But kc hasn't mentioned it to me at all, I guess they will be staying with her ex, and maybe that's why she hasn't told me. Or maybe it's just something they keep bantering about that won't actually happen since I think that if sa had any extra money for a plane ticket she'd be going to visit her girlfriend. Oh well, maybe I should talk to her about it the next time it comes up. It just doesn't seem worth it, although I guess it is since I can't seem to get it out of my head.

Whatever, I just want to concentrate on this weekend first. One thing at a time here. I'm also starting to feel a little anxious about the holidays approaching but if I don't think about it I'll be okay. This weekend is the most bitchin' skiing/snowboarding movie and we're going to see it Friday night. Then Saturday is rugby prom. I know that I shouldn't set myself up for disappointment in getting my hopes up that kc will do something even remotely romantic but I would like her to. I know that she's not the romantic type, but I am, and she knows this, and maybe she should ask her roommates for ideas or advice in that department. Again, not getting my fucking hopes up here, I just want to have a good time partying with the rugby girls and finally getting kc to hang out with them.

It's not that she doesn't want to, she just wants to give me my space to let loose and have fun with them. Which is fine, but sometimes I'd like her to join. They always ask about her, always invite her wherever we are going, and I like that, I like that they like her and they know I like her, so it's good.

So my head is getting better, my heart doesn't know what to do but at least it's not acting up and fucking with my head, and my life is definitely on the right track. Hopefully things fall into place and everything works out in the end.

Rough but okay

So this past weekend was kinda rough, but at least things are looking up for me. Went and looked at a few condos on Friday morning after work, kc came with me, and I found one that I really like. It is completely redone and I wouldn't have to do any work to it which is what I really wanted, and the price was totally right. I'll find out tomorrow if they accept my offer, hopefully I made it before anyone else did, because that would really fucking suck if someone else got that condo. I so need to move into my own space, at this point I'm not even worried about how I'll pay for everything once I'm back in school, I just really need space.

I need a place that I can go home to, that comforts me, that is comforting to me, that is my sacred place, that is mine, that will be there when I need to be alone. I need somewhere to unwind after a long day, somewhere that I can walk around naked in and not have to run from the shower to my room. I need a bedroom all to myself, that isn't an open space, I need a place where I can be alone with myself, or with kc, without having roommates around to see or hear. So it's exciting and I really hope that I get this place.

I also submitted my resume for another job, well, I had to talk to the lendor and I couldn't do that until today, so the resume will be submitted tomorrow. My old boss works for the company, it's another temp job, but hopefully maybe they'll want to hire me on directly. And then I could have a secure job with a steady paycheck. It won't be as high as my current paycheck, but with as much as I spend in gas and fixing my car, if I move into the condo the job would only be about a 10 minute drive away and that is wonderful.

And I did get a chance to talk to kc a little bit about what's going on in my head. I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed and I told her that I wasn't sure about how she felt about me since she was kind of cold to me the weekend before. She said it was because my other personality came out, the one she doesn't know and doesn't like. However, she told me that I'm the first girlfriend she's had that she hasn't broken up with after something like that happens. She said she isn't ready to let go of me yet. And that was reassuring. I told her it was just a phase, it would go away, it did before, just a momentary lapse of something. But she told me that she likes me and that whatever is going on in my head I shouldn't worry about us (yes, she said us). So that is a good sign and I'm glad that she hasn't completely bailed on me because I'm not ready to give her up either. So I just need to relax and be myself and things will be fine and I shouldn't get myself worked up over anything and I really need to work on talking and opening up about how I'm feeling.

Then I talked to my sister today. She is a bit of a lunatic. She is slowly and methodically moving herself toward having a big drinking problem and she doesn't see it coming. We all see it coming, it's like watching something in slow motion that you can't stop, and it's ugly and I just want to jump in and try and make her see what she's doing to herself. Well, for starters she called me crying because she found out she has HPV. Except she found out about 4 months ago and had surgery 2 months ago on her cervix to remove some lesions, and is just now getting around to telling me. Why wouldn't she tell me sooner? Why does she think that she can't trust me? Why, when I ask her that, does she bring up something from when I was 17, something that happened almost 12 years ago?

She needs to learn how to let go of the past, to not hold onto it and let it ruin her life, or keep letting it take her down the road she's on. No matter what kind of anything I say to her though, she doesn't see it as me trying to be helpful and make her feel better. And then when I try to insert any little tidbit about my life and what's going on in it she cuts me off insisting I'm not listening to her and hangs up. WTF?

I know I can't control her or change her, but I wish that she would listen to some of my advice, I wish that she would understand that it comes to her with love and a desire to see her be happy for once. I wish that she could ditch her sense of entitlement and materialism. I wish that she would realize that things won't give you long term happiness, only a short little high, and that she needs to feel happiness for herself and not from things.

So while I spent a better part of this weekend crying (well, at least 2.5 nights of it), I think that some things got worked out. Hopefully kc will find some kind of desire to have sex with me this weekend since she links her desire for sex with how she is feeling about me and whether she's feeling attracted or not by my personality. Hopefully that condo will be mine at the end of the month. Hopefully I get that job, I think I will. Hopefully I can get out of whatever funk is in my head right now and just open up and relax.

I get it but does she?

Seriously, all I want is a little time. A little time where you give me your undivided attention. A little time that I can just snuggle and lay there with you. A little time where I can have a conversation with you without having a hundred other people around. A little time where you are not distracted by everything else that is going on in your house.

Maybe it's just that I spend too much time there. If that is the case, then I need to stop that shit right now. I want kc to want to be with me during the time that I am at her house. Except that if I'm at her house too much, then I can't expect her to want to have all that time with me. And that is fine, unlike her other girlfriends, I can hang out with people and have fun. Unlike them I don't want to spend 24/7 with her, I'd fucking go insane. It's not that I don't like spending time with her, it's just that I also like my alone time. And it's not healthy to spend all your time with one person.

However, I should be able to get a little bit of time, I think that she should be able to handle that. I'm not talking every waking fucking moment that I am at her house, but if I would like to linger in bed a little bit longer on a Sunday morning than usual then what is the problem? Oh yeah, she has all this stuff to do.

And why doesn't it get done...hmmm...maybe it's because she's got so many other distractions and a huge fucking list of shit to do that it just seems to never go away. Maybe stuff does get done, and that would be great, but I wish that the list would be somewhat finite in that there is an end in sight. I'm sorry that she feels like she can't get anything done when I'm there, but how much gets done when I'm not there? I'm not there most of the week since this whole shift change business and it's not like I'm constantly hindering her ability to get shit done. So how hard is it to block off a few hours one day during the weekend to just be alone with me?

For example...last Thursday was the Halloween party. I went down to her house after I got out of work in the morning and went to sleep. What was she doing while I was sleeping...okay going to school, that needs to be done, and what else...no idea. So I wake up and start helping h with making food and decorations and that sort of thing, again, not pestering her for attention so that she could get stuff done for the party. Got to have some hot sex that could have lasted a lot longer were there not a party going on downstairs so that was nice, I really enjoyed that quality time together. At the party, didn't cling to her side all night, she got to hang with her friends and with me and that was fun. Slept most of the day on Friday, I think everyone was recovering from the party so that was good, but I can't really have a conversation in my sleep. Went to work Friday night, hung out with the rugby team all day Saturday after I woke up, and didn't get to her house until almost 3pm on Sunday. She had to study for a test and then we had to go to gs's for dinner. So again, no real alone time. She woke up Monday, went to school, and we all know what happened Monday night.

So I don't really think that I was out of line to ask for just a little bit of alone time here. Had I known that nap on Monday was going to be my only chance last weekend I would have made better use of it, although she probably still would have fallen asleep. We spent Thursday with other people, she had Friday night and all day Saturday to do her shit, and then Sunday we hung with the roommates and gs, and then Monday's debacle. So I don't really think that alone time is too much to ask for.

And then she starts going on about our conversation and that I said I have expectations of her and she doesn't like expectations, they make her feel pressured. Umm...I'm pretty sure that if I do have expectations they aren't really of the unreasonable variety. It's not like I'm asking to move in or to get married, just tell me if you're not interested in sex at all this weekend and I'll get over it, it's not like I'm going to pressure her into it.

Oh my god, I am spending too much time at her house. Damn, okay, maybe I'm not going to go down there on Friday. Maybe I'll just go down Saturday afternoon since we have plans for Saturday night. Although, if I look at this condo on Friday she wanted to come with me so I'm kind of screwing the pooch on that one. Oh well, at least next weekend we'll be at my house since we're going to a movie Friday night and then to the rugby prom on Saturday. Okay, new plan since I've already fucked myself on this, need to remember a book and my laptop and just keep studying for stuff so she can't say I'm distracting her from getting her shit done. That's what I'll have to do from now on, although after these next couple weekends since I know I'll be there maybe I'll just schedule some other things for at least Friday or Saturday nights.

Still can't talk...

Damn, I thought I had overcome that problem, but it seems that words are still a fucking issue for me. Why I can't just come out and say how I'm feeling just really fucking sucks, I don't like the feeling of holding it in, of knowing that I'm being silly and if I just talk about it I'm sure things will be fine.

Today for example, I was feeling a little let down about the events of the weekend. We had a really great night on Thursday, some good sex that could have lasted a lot longer had there not been a party going on downstairs, and so I thought that there would be a continuation of that this weekend.

I went down to see kc on Sunday, had a rugby party on Saturday night. She had a huge test for school on Monday so I figured I'd let her get some good sleep and was hoping that when she came home from class after her test that she would at least be receptive to the idea. But no, she asked me when I was going to get out of bed. Okay fine, at least she said that she would probably want to take a nap later with me, and I told her I wanted a naked nap, which in my mind can only mean one thing, and since she knows that I'm fucking horny all the time, I assumed she knew what I was getting at. Maybe she did, but the afternoon "nap" never happened.

We did go to the bookstore, which I love bookstores, and then took a nice drive around on the motorcycle, which is really fun as well, but then when we got back and still nothing. Then all of a sudden it's time to watch a TV show that got missed and then it's Monday Night Football. Um...yeah, I'm all for watching football and catching up on things, but when a girl asks if you would like to give her a naked massage, you don't generally respond by saying, but it's Monday Night Football and the game is going to be good. Guess that's what kind of set the whole thing off in my mind.

I mean, I guess I wouldn't have pressed the sex issue if she had just told me that the antibiotics that she is on for her sinus deal gave her a problem downstairs. It's been known to happen, that's why I tell doctors I'm allergic to specific ones. However, I guess I still would have been upset because what I really wanted (aside from an orgasm) was just some alone time. It is so fucking hard to have that kind of time when she has 2 roommates who pretty much never leave. I just wanted some uninterrupted snuggle time, possibly naked, to just lay there and be warm and cuddly. Instead, we went upstairs before the football game started (but after we had watched the TV show) and took a nap. Had I known that the nap was meant for me to sleep before I had to go to work and not her I may have tried a little harder to sleep. Instead, I was hoping for the snuggle time that I had wanted all day and she fell asleep and I reluctantly did the same. Although, I woke up a short while later and since she was asleep stayed awake because I didn't want to oversleep and be late for work and didn't want to wake her up and have her set an alarm just in case.

So I didn't really get any alone time at all this weekend and now I'm trying not to be in a foul mood and trying not to cry and trying to figure out a way to tell her all of this without me coming off as clingy and needy. I mean, I sent her a e-mail saying that I would work on being more vocal about what I wanted if she will be more vocal about what's going on and why she is brushing me off as far as sex is concerned. But, I haven't received a response yet and am starting to bite off all my nails, despite the fact that it's 2:13am and she's probably passed out on her couch right now.

At least in my e-mail I asked her to set aside a time window where we could just have some snuggle time, and maybe at some point next weekend I can talk to her about all this, since I probably won't see her at all this week unless I want to drive down to her house one morning when I get out of work. Which, I will probably end up doing at least one day, because this whole working nights thing pretty much means that she won't ever come up to my house.

I just wish I knew why I had such a problem talking to her and telling her when I'm having a problem. I wish I knew why it was so hard for me. I know she won't judge me, she tells me that and I know that she wouldn't, so why am I so fucking scared to say anything?

Overindulgence...

Seems to be something that I am really good at, even though I have no intention of doing it. At least kc doesn't care that occasionally I have a little too much of something, or in the case of last night, a little too much of a whole lotta things.

There was a Halloween party at kc's house last night. Yeah, a fucking Thursday night, silly stoners, not realizing that a whole lot more people would have shown up if they didn't have to go to work the next day. Oh well, that's what they get for wanting to have the party on the full moon. But anyway, had a little too much of everything that was out there and lost my balance, but at least I was on my way to bed and it was pretty late so most everyone had left already. kc didn't seem to mind, she just laughed it off with me and teased me a little bit this morning, but it's all good. At least I didn't drop an L bomb while I was wasted.

I think that's my problem, I'm scared that if I get a little too intoxicated that I may let one fly out of my mouth and either not remember it, or remember it and have there be a bad reaction to it. I mean, I don't think that she would react badly, but I'm just not so sure as to how it would be received. I guess I shouldn't worry about it, there's not much I'll be able to do about it since I'm sure I'll be overwhelmed in some moment and it'll just pop out.

At least things are good. We got to have some nice naked snuggle time before the party. I surprised her with some nice new pretties for underneath my costume and another accessory that caught her by surprise but she really liked it. And at least we got that in before we were both too intoxicated to function. Hopefully s and h won't be home on Sunday, although, doubtful since s doesn't really hang out with anyone, although sometimes she does so maybe we'll get lucky, and h has a show Saturday night so she'll probably be sleeping all day Sunday, although the show isn't in town so maybe she won't be home until sometime on Sunday.

Not that the thought of either one of them being home (or them actually being home) has ever stopped us, it does however limit the amount of locations that we can be in. At least, that we can be naked in. Good thing that s doesn't have a key to the garage otherwise that could have been awkward. Too bad the walls are really thin and I'm sure she's heard more than enough of us, although at least she got a new discman so now she can put on some headphones and listen to music instead of listening to us which is nice.

Oh well, hopefully I'll be able to move soon into my own place and then kc can just come over to my house. Drove through one neighborhood last night that she actually used to live in and it looks pretty sweet, hopefully I like the condo. Hopefully I get into the school that I want to go to so that if I buy this place I won't actually be that far away from school and I won't have to commute that far. Hopefully I can find a part time job somewhere near there or school so that I can have a little bit of income and not be stressing so much about how I'm going to pay my bills. In the meantime I'll just save as much as I can for the inevitable fact that no matter what, the job I'm doing right now ends in February.

Isn't she over it yet?

So got a phone call this morning from the ex, calling to say that her and k were having a sushi party and was wondering if since she knew that k would invite kc, if I would not go because she would be uncomfortable hanging around me.

WTF? That is the stupidest shit I have heard from her in a while. At least I had no fucking idea what she was talking about. I called her back at around noon, yeah, she called me at 9am, right as I was going to sleep after my nice long graveyard shift. Told her I had no idea what she was talking about but if it was going to be a problem then I would respect her and not go.

I told kc about it when she got home from school and thought that it was incredibly rude of the ex to be pulling this shit, especially since her and k are not back together again, k is starting to date someone else. Which also makes me wonder why she gives a crap about whether or not I go to some dinner party. Shouldn't she be more concerned about her most recent ex-girlfriend having a date over and such?

Oh well, I don't really care. I'm going to watch a show at the theater that night anyway. kc is going to talk to k about it I guess, that should be interesting. No idea how that will go, probably something along the lines of hey, I've known you longer than a has, and if I want to bring my girlfriend to one of your dinner parties then that should be cool. I told kc I was going to send k a text that just asked if her and a were back together again since she is being a little neurotic and weird.

Especially weird seeing how when we first split up she wanted to be best of friends with me. And then I told her I couldn't do it so soon, I have to have space and be separated. Well, I'm all good now. I don't really care what she does, if I see her somewhere I will be civil and cordial and possibly even nice. She's probably just thinking that if she treats me like this it will hurt my feelings or something. Whatever, it's not my problem. I'm over it and she should be too.

Oh well, at least I had no idea about when it was and already made plans. No skin off my back. I do feel bad for k though, I mean, what if a thinks that she wants some sort of reconciliation since she is still going to this party and k has a date there? Then what will she do. Probably huff and be pouty all evening, but at least I don't have to put up with that shit. I'm going to enjoy a lovely dinner and some funny entertainment with kc. That will be just wonderful.

Things are still going good on this end. Working the graveyard shift is kind of fucking with me a little bit, but at least kc understands. Today I woke up early to get online and see if I could buy World Series tickets, and kc came home from class and stayed online for me so I could go back to bed. Too bad the tickets sold out, that would have been a really good time if we could have gone.

I'm an ass

I'm not sure when this girl will ever learn that I am an idiot. I almost never say the right thing and when I try I just fuck it up even more.

So kc had to have outpatient surgery on her sinuses this morning. Not a big deal, h dropped her off in the morning before the surgery and then I went to pick her up. Why, because I wanted to. I just got switched to the graveyard shift at work, so I get off work at 8am, so I figured I could go and pick her up, it would be nice, she wanted to see my face when she woke up from the anesthesia.

Thing is, I forogt, that these things never run on schedule. It was supposed to be over at 11:30am, and the doctor came out to talk to me a few minutes after that, said she'd be awake in about 30 minutes, and that I could see her after that.

So 30 minutes rolls by. I talk to the nurse to ask if I can go see kc yet, and she says that kc is still sleeping, it'll be another 30 minutes. So another 30 minutes goes by, and then another 30 after that. See where I'm going with this? Yeah, she doesn't wake up until 1:30pm. Needless to say I'm getting extremely tired since I got off a 10 hour shift at 8am and it's now 1:30 in the fucking afternoon.

I mean, yes, I did volunteer to pick her up, I wanted to, I guess I just thought that I'd be asleep by 1pm since she said it would be over by 11:30am. Tidbit about me, I'm a crier, it pretty much doesn't take much to make me cry, hell, I'll probably start crying again in a minute just thinking about it. And I knew that she was going to be tired, I just didn't realize that they would let her sleep it all off there.

So I'm starting to get grouchy, I mean, who wouldn't after being awake for that long. It's just that I was trying so hard to not be grumpy. I didn't want to be, and I could see it coming on, and it was like a fucking train, I just couldn't stop it. I was trying to be positive and helpful and cheery, but by the time we got back to kc's house I just wanted to curl up into a ball and fall asleep forever.

But I wanted to be able to take care of her, change the bandage on her nose, tuck her in so she could take a nap. Instead, she ended up making me a sandwich and closing the blinds and making her room all dark for me and letting me sleep all afternoon until I had to get up and go to work.

And so now I feel like a complete ass. I mean, I was supposed to be the one taking care of her, dropping off her prescription, making her some soup for lunch, and instead I'm a whiny grump who just wants to sleep. And now she thinks that it is a reflection of how I feel about her. And it's not. I would do anything for her, obviously since I volunteered to pick her up after a huge long shift when I could have just had h do it and not worried about it. She thinks that on some subconscious level I did it on purpose because she may have been insensitive to me. I think that the only thing subconscious going on in my mind is my inability to tell her how strongly I feel for her and that is fucking me up a bit because I feel like I can't tell her how I feel.

I feel like she would go running for the hills if I told her what I was feeling and I don't want to scare her away so I keep my mouth shut. That's probably not a good thing, but I can't help it. So maybe now my subconscious/conscious knowing that I am holding back is transferring out into how I am acting toward her. Oh fuck me now I'm really screwed. Now I'm going to have to explain something to her along the lines of that I like her more than I can admit to her and that is why I'm fucking things up, because that's what I do.

Damn, I can't think straight at 3:30 in the fucking morning. And now I am going to attempt to compose an e-mail to her for her to read whenever she wakes up that will hopefully not send her running in the other fucking direction. Crap. I fucked myself on this one. Well, maybe it will make her understand why I'm such an idiot.